Tim Martin proposes Britain launch new 'Union of Europe' to attract workers

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff. 

Under the scheme, controlled by Britain, European workers would be invited to come to the UK, lured by the prospect of serving beer to old men from 9am in the morning for low wages.

Martin said: “As a patriotic Englishman, I’m proud that my fellow Brits refuse to demean themselves by working in the sort of places I run. However, it does mean we’re short of hands to serve the cheapo fried breakfasts.

“With my ‘Union Of Europe’, young foreigners could come over here free from the bureaucratic red tape the EU has suddenly decided to impose.

“We could go back to the good old days of a few years ago when there was a plentiful supply of European labour and you never had to wait long for your microwaved chicken korma.

“There could be other benefits like free trade, which the EU has properly buggered up this year. Stuff the EU. Join the ‘Union of Europe’, or ‘European Union’ for short.”

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An EastEnders/Corrie crossover: The Queen's plans for her Platinum Jubilee

THE Queen is giving Britons an extra bank holiday, five grams of cocaine and a big cake each for her Platinum Jubilee next year. And that’s just to start with: 

All bands to reform

Do you dream of seeing the The Jam back together, playing a blistering set? Oasis reunited? The Smiths’ original line-up on stage? That’s happening, by Royal decree, to prove that a career rebelling against the establishment is nothing compared to the threat of beheading. 

Smoking in pubs

For one glorious weekend next summer smoking in pubs will be entirely legal again, just as it was for most of ER’s reign. Have a fag at the bar and another on the go at the urinals, and remember how it was when Britain was Great.

A Coronation Street and EastEnders crossover

Mick Carter leaves Walford for a break and arrives in Weatherfield. Meanwhile Shona Platt rocks up at the Queen Vic. Yes, it’s a full summer crossover including affairs, murders, and a pregnancy where the father could be from either soap. Because the people wanted it and the Queen says. 

Meghan pranked

The Duchess of Sussex will spend the next 12 months making an earnest, powerful Netflix documentary about self-empowerment – only to learn that the whole thing was a Palace set-up. Everyone involved was an actor, they’ve all been laughing at her and she looks a right twat. 

A drug collection

For the Silver Jubilee it was Party Sevens. For the Golden Jubilee it was white cider. For her Platinum Jubilee, in addition to five grams of coke our monarch is also bestowing upon her subjects a quarter of weed, three Es and a tab of vintage acid to be dropped at 7pm, an hour before the fireworks. 

A cabinet minister of your choice executed

The Royals love a good execution and it’s been too damn long. So, chosen by a Saturday night BBC show and weekly phone-in, one of Her Majesty’s Government will be executed at her pleasure live from the top of Buckingham Palace before cheering, bloodthirsty crowds.