Tizer granted UNESCO World Heritage status

TIZER has been named a fizzy drink of outstanding cultural importance by the UN. 

The red-flavoured drink can now only be produced in the Tizer region by accredited master popmakers, using methods that date back to 1987. 

Tizerologist Nikki Hollis said: “This will help protect the integrity of Tizer for future generations by ensuring that only traditional, artisanal preservatives and the precise levels of sweetener are used.

“Its famous bright colour has to be created using the time-honoured method of pouring a load of red stuff into the vat.”

The precise geographical location of Tizer country was delineated by the UNESCO judges, stretching from the reception desk at the front of the factory all the way to where they stack the empty barrels round the back.

The news has brought hope to producers of other British classics, with the makers of Frazzles and Parma Violets preparing bids to receive protected status. One potential stumbling block may be in deciding if a product cannot be made elsewhere or if it is just that nobody else wants to make it.

Tizer fan Roy Hobbs said: “It’s a great day for Tizer and a great opportunity to tell Irn Bru to go fuck itself.” 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Security unable to stop thousands breaking out of Wireless Festival

SECURITY staff at Wireless Festival were overwhelmed by crowds fleeing the likes of David Guetta and Nicki Minaj.

Shortly after Clean Bandit took to the stage at Finsbury Park, crowds rushed the fences in a frenzied bid to break free and return to the outside world.

Security guards tried to in vain to prevent the horde of legitimate ticket holders from escaping, with the exit stampede intensifying as Ciara prepared to take the stage.

Guard Wayne Hayes said: “It was like they were possessed, they were actually gnawing the fences. The nature of the event coupled with the fear of an afternoon appearance by Jaden and Willow Smith had turned them into savage brutes.”

He added: “As festival staff we get to wear earplugs.”

Festival goer Stephen Malley said: “I bought my ticket on the strength of the poster, which looked colourful and fun. If only I had stopped to read the words.

“At one point I ran from Avicii only to find Arrested Development playing on another stage. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.”