UK in race against time to spend high street vouchers before shops go bust

ACROSS Britain recipients of high street gift vouchers are desperately racing to spend them before the retailers in question go bust. 

The starting gun fired at 10am this morning, as Britons clutching vouchers for Next, Boots, Argos and even WHSmith sprinted from their homes to get to the shops before the inevitable liquidations. 

Nathan Muir of Mansfield said: “The first rumours of River Island going bust were on local radio before I left the house. It’s a race against the clock. 

“It’s become an annual event, whether you’re doing a DVD trolley-dash round HMV or frantically ransacking the shelves for Nerf guns at Toys R Us. It’s more a sport than shopping. 

“Will my wife make it to Ann Summers before the receivers do? Will all the copies of Call of Duty have gone by the time I reach Game, and I’ll have to buy Cyberpunk 2077 or some bullshit? 

“If you don’t act fast then that plastic card given to you by a thoughtless auntie will be worthless, or worse only redeemable at shops owned by Mike Ashley.”

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How to prepare a Boxing Day meal of leftover shit

BOXING Day meals don’t have to live up to any expectations because they’re made entirely from uneaten scraps. Here’s how to prepare one: 

Remove the film from uneaten party dips

Unlike preparing a Christmas turkey, this can be done at any time of the day because it only takes seconds. Once it’s off you can immediately tuck into the four completely flavourless dips using anything from a breadstick to a chocolate bar. Don’t be afraid to get creative, nobody cares at this point.

Forget about cutlery

Who do you think you are, the Queen? Boxing Day food should only be handled with fingers and served on other, flatter pieces of food like a Jacob’s cream cracker or a Hovis biscuit. If you get tableware involved there’s a risk you might have to do the backbreaking chore of switching the dishwasher on.

Make a ‘mum curry’

Stick random bits of turkey carcass in a pot, add some medium curry powder and boil, possibly with leftover sprouts. Don’t spend more than 30 seconds on preparation because, unlike an actual curry, no one will eat it.

Loosen your belt

Chances are you’ve got a distended belly from the day before, so you’re going to have to loosen your belt or remove it entirely if you want to stuff more food in. Still finding it hard to gorge? Get into the Boxing Day spirit by taking off your jeans and pigging out in your pants.

Put the telly on

Everybody will be too bloated to f**k about with pulling crackers and reading crap jokes. Take your mind off how agonisingly full you all are by switching on the TV and gawping at whatever godawful programmes have been scheduled. With any luck this should lull you into a food coma.

Keep a jar of pickled onions in reserve

Hide them somewhere nobody would think to look, like behind a bag of salad, then crack them out for a warm up snack when you get your second wind. Their pungent stench is to Boxing Day what gingerbread and roast chestnuts are to Christmas: something truly magical.