UK's remaining high street shop to reopen

THE UK’s sole remaining high street shop that has not fallen into bankruptcy is to reopen today. 

Following the closures of Debenhams, Topshop, Dorothy Perkins, Laura Ashley and all the rest, the only high street shop opening is J&G Turner Family Haberdashery in Southport.

Proprietor Joe Turner said: “We’re hoping to do brisk business, what with being the sole brick-and-mortar retailer still operating in the whole of Britain. We think we’ve got novelty value.

“The queues are already forming and stretching back some 13 miles, so there’s a good chance we’ll be able to clear some of the stock we’ve got cluttering up the back room.

“We’re thinking of diversifying into clothing, perfumes, electronic goods, knick-knacks and pizza. Apparently there’s a demand from people who don’t use the internet for every f**king thing.”

Shopper Hannah Tomlinson said: “I’ve come all the way from Leeds just to visit a real actual live high street shop, just like they used to have in the olden days of 2019.

“Apparently they actually take cash. God, what a total nostalgia trip this is going to be.”

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Nation in mourning has definitely not been watching Netflix

THE whole of the UK has spent the weekend mourning, watching documentaries about the Duke of Edinburgh, and certainly not watching Netflix. 

The country spent 12 hours on Friday watching the BBC, caught every moment of the gun salutes on Saturday, saw the whole service from Canterbury Cathedral yesterday, and did not even consider streaming RuPaul’s Drag Race instead.

Tom Logan of Reading said: “What, the BBC coverage? Glued to it mate. Every minute.

“They couldn’t show the Boris speech, that one speech where the Queen was in a blue hat, and a title card of a short Palace press release enough for me. It would have been traitorous to turn away.

“Incidentally, that Bourne film where Matt Damon’s not in it, that’s bobbins isn’t it? They shouldn’t have bothered.”

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 25, said: “I had no idea this news blackout happened when a Royal died, but my dad said it was the same with Diana in 1997 and added ‘videos were like gold dust’.

“I have no idea what he meant by that. I only joined Disney Plus this weekend because my finger slipped.”