Saturday, 8th May 2021

UK's remaining high street shop to reopen

THE UK’s sole remaining high street shop that has not fallen into bankruptcy is to reopen today. 

Following the closures of Debenhams, Topshop, Dorothy Perkins, Laura Ashley and all the rest, the only high street shop opening is J&G Turner Family Haberdashery in Southport.

Proprietor Joe Turner said: “We’re hoping to do brisk business, what with being the sole brick-and-mortar retailer still operating in the whole of Britain. We think we’ve got novelty value.

“The queues are already forming and stretching back some 13 miles, so there’s a good chance we’ll be able to clear some of the stock we’ve got cluttering up the back room.

“We’re thinking of diversifying into clothing, perfumes, electronic goods, knick-knacks and pizza. Apparently there’s a demand from people who don’t use the internet for every f**king thing.”

Shopper Hannah Tomlinson said: “I’ve come all the way from Leeds just to visit a real actual live high street shop, just like they used to have in the olden days of 2019.

“Apparently they actually take cash. God, what a total nostalgia trip this is going to be.”