Friday, 14th May 2021

Five places to hide if you're not that into the Royal family

YOU don’t hate the Royals, but nor are you particularly interested. If so, here are some great places to avoid the blanket coverage for the next two weeks: 

A cave in the woods

The obvious choice. It’ll be dark and cold, and you may be forced to eat frogs and berries to survive, but it’ll be well worth it to avoid Piers Morgan fawning over Philip while conveniently forgetting he’s been waging a personal vendetta against his grandson and grandson’s pregnant wife.

An uninhabited island 

Some of these still exist, but can be tricky not to die on. Watch Tom Hanks in Cast Away for survival advice, and remember to take a volleyball you can draw a face on for companionship. And for sex.

Inside your own mind

If travel isn’t an option, simply take a very large quantity of hallucinogenic drugs. You won’t be interested in Philip coverage when you have much more pressing issues to think about, such as whether the faces in the wallpaper are evil.

North Korea

Living under a Stalinist dictatorship has its downsides, but you can be sure Prince Philip’s death won’t be on the TV news constantly. And propaganda like ‘Glorious leader Kim Jong-un invents rocket that can destroy the sun’ will be far more interesting than Nicholas Witchell droning on about ‘a nation in mourning’.

An alcoholic bender

Just get so wasted you won’t remember a moment of the non-stop, fawning coverage on every f**king channel and in every newspaper. However rest assured this is going to go on for a long time, so book your stay at the Priory now.