Friday, 14th May 2021

Five social media posts that show you're not getting any sex

IN a long-term relationship, trying not to think about how little sex you’re having? Unfortunately, you’re giving yourself away online:

A screen-grabbed map of your 40k cycle

Your cycle was timestamped at 7am when everyone knows only bin men and the celibate are awake, and 40k suggests you’ve got quite a bit of frustrated energy to burn off. Also, your partner seeing you wearing Lycra is never going to help, is it?

A picture of a homemade sourdough loaf

Your sourdough loaf is genuinely beautiful. It looks like it came from an artisan baker, or, alternatively, the home of someone who has not had sex for six months and is reduced to nurturing their sourdough starter like lover.

A link to a petition about the new flats on your street

New flats being built that will overlook your property?  Project your sexual frustrations outwards by having a shit fit about something you can’t control. Your partner is wisely ignoring you in favour of planting seeds in little pots, which will respond to her affection and not make a tedious fuss every night about who’s going to make dinner.

A picture of you on the beach in Ibiza seven years ago

This is going too far: a pathetic, overt attempt to remind the world and yourself that you were once young, tanned, on holiday and off to get laid. Now the only thing getting laid is a new beige carpet in the living room.

A constant stream of pictures of Bugsy, the puppy

Bugsy the puppy, far from being an adorable, innocent new addition to the household, is an overt declaration of celibacy. It’s common knowledge that no-one can tolerate a puppy whining outside the bedroom door while they attempt to get it on so they might as well stop trying.