University to be turned into student housing

A UNIVERSITY’S campus is to be entirely converted into student living accommodation, it has announced. 

The University of Brighton has decided that, since even with £9,250pa tuition fees, teaching facilities are unprofitable compared to fancy flats with a shared gym and pool table.

Student housing now makes up the majority of land use in the UK, ahead of Cash 4 Gold shops, hospital car parks, and those adventure courses where you climb along ropes between trees.

Vice-chancellor Denys Finch Hatton said: “This is valuable land. Ethically and intellectually, we don’t have a choice.

“The library will become library-themed housing with the books all glued to the shelves to make walls, the science labs will have that industrial space feel, and the refectory will be crappy little bedsits for the British students.

“The students will still be required to attend for three years, go to free booze promotions at converted lecture theatres, do no work and at the end graduate with a degree.

“I promise, they won’t notice any difference.”

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Driving fast through puddles best thing about being an adult

SPLASHING water everywhere while driving along waterlogged roads is the key to peak happiness in adulthood, a survey has found.

The experience beat childbirth, big televisions and finally untangling headphone cables for pure joy, especially if soaking someone from head to foot.

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Adulthood is dull. Driving cars is mostly dull. But careering through deep water at a speed that’s less than sensible, sending up a huge sheet of spray, that’s the best.

“We have long known that ducks and toddlers like puddles, and we now have confirmation that grown men and women also like to splish-splosh around without giving two hoots about the consequences.

“The optimum conditions are where the puddle can’t be avoided, more than two people are soaked, and when the spray makes a wonderful rainbow in the rear-view mirror over their pathetic shaking fists.

“The next BMW 8 Series ads will feature a blissful driver soaking a festival queue of 35 people. Amazing they’ve not done it before.”

Wayne Hayes of Hereford said: “I love a burst water pipe or a flash flood. Accelerating through ankle-high water, I feel like Vin Diesel. Except I’m in a Yaris on an A road.”