Sunday, 16th May 2021

University to be turned into student housing

A UNIVERSITY’S campus is to be entirely converted into student living accommodation, it has announced. 

The University of Brighton has decided that, since even with £9,250pa tuition fees, teaching facilities are unprofitable compared to fancy flats with a shared gym and pool table.

Student housing now makes up the majority of land use in the UK, ahead of Cash 4 Gold shops, hospital car parks, and those adventure courses where you climb along ropes between trees.

Vice-chancellor Denys Finch Hatton said: “This is valuable land. Ethically and intellectually, we don’t have a choice.

“The library will become library-themed housing with the books all glued to the shelves to make walls, the science labs will have that industrial space feel, and the refectory will be crappy little bedsits for the British students.

“The students will still be required to attend for three years, go to free booze promotions at converted lecture theatres, do no work and at the end graduate with a degree.

“I promise, they won’t notice any difference.”