Up-itself boutique gives final warning to friendly, helpful sales assistant

A SALES assistant who does not judge her customers has been given a final warning by a pretentious clothes shop.

Jessica Thomson, who works at Wrak in west London, has been told to stop being unfailingly polite and eager to please in a bid to make people feel valued and welcome.

Shop manager Max Roberts said: “Jessica has been told repeatedly that the customer must be made to feel like a disgusting sack of meat, unworthy of our beautiful clothes.

“The confidence-crushing stress of the customer experience is essential, otherwise people might start questioning the idea of paying £300 for a skirt.”

Thomson admitted she is struggling to develop the requisite air of superiority and indifference.

She said: “I’m paid so badly that Pot Noodle is something of a luxury. I couldn’t afford this stuff if I saved up for years, so I’m in no position to judge anyone.”

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Never having to do PE again is best part of being an adult

A WOMAN who often despairs at the state of the world finds comfort in the fact that she never has to do PE again.

Sarah Bishop, 31, regularly worries about nuclear war, the dismantling of the NHS and air pollution, but eases her anxities by reminding herself that being forced to play hockey with teenage psychopaths is now firmly in the past.

Bishop said: “The world is going to shit and I have to spend every day doing a job I hate with people I want to punch, but it all floats away like when I remember that I don’t have to be smashed in the face with a netball anymore.

“By comparison, experiencing the world sliding into an endless right wing nightmare is actually less harrowing. The Tories might want to make me poor, ill and scared of foreigners but at least she won’t make me do a cross country run.”

A Conservative spokesman said: “Cross country running will be mandatory for everyone.”