Vauxhalls Not Quite Rusty Enough, Says Fiat

ITALIAN car maker Fiat has unveiled plans to take over Vaxuhall, insisting the British-made cars are still not quite rusty and unreliable enough.

Fiat wants to buy General Motors' UK and German brands to a create a new pan-European third-rate car giant to compete with the likes of Volkswagen in its dreams.

A Fiat spokesman said: "If you kick a Vauxhall Astra only the rear bumper falls off, while the Corsa does not have the same all-over, reddish-brown hue of a typical Italian hatchback.

"On the other hand, if you so much as cough near the new Fiat Punto, both the bumpers literally fly off in opposite directions, the doors drop off their hinges and the headlights fall out like some kind of clown car. And then it explodes."

He added: "Under our plans Vauxhall will produce a range of exciting, eco-friendly cars that may not get you to the end of the street but will provide a useful storage space for people who don't have attics."

British brands have an impressive history when it comes to foreign takeovers. In 1994 BMW bought Rover, before offloading it six years later as if it was emptying a chamber pot into a gutter.

Fiat pointed to its strong track record in rescuing troubled manufacturers. Alfa Romeo now makes stylish cars that are bought by discerning drivers who appreciate good design but have no desire to go anywhere, while Lancia has not sold a new car since 1977.

Meanwhile Fiat is also hoping to acquire the US giant Chrysler with a view to integrating its staggeringly unsuccessful technology and useless design know-how into its inexplicable strategy.

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A Guide To The People You Don't Care About In Labour's Civil War

AS Gordon Brown fights for his political life the Daily Mash brings you a guide to the key players in the tumultuous battle for the heart and soul of the Labour party. No, we don't really give a shit either.

THE LOYALISTS

Lord Mandelson:
Once Mr Brown's most deadly enemy, now described as his 'rock', which is perfect cover for the man who remains his most deadly enemy.

Jacqui Smith: A woman of stature, integrity, wisdom and great judgeme… oh dear, almost managed to get all the way through that. Loves Brown almost as much as her husband loves the skin flicks.

Ed Balls: The prime minister's right hand man who now harbours ambitions to succeed him. But backbenchers are divided; Some say he is a charmless, gutless little turd, while others insist he has a face you could punch all day.

Ed Miliband: We have no idea who this person is.

Yvette Cooper: Married to Ed Balls. Looks and sounds like a 12 year-old boy. Comprehensively unbearable.

Douglas Alexander: Married to Ed Balls. Looks and sounds like a 12 year-old girl. Comprehensively unbearable.

Alistair Darling: Once the prime minister's most trusted lieutenant but in recent months has grown uncomfortable with Mr Brown drumming his fingers so far up his lower intestine.

Nick Brown: The chief whip has been described as Mr Brown's 'hatchet man' as if he's some kind of East End gangster, but is actually just some fat ponce of a politician who would piss himself in a bar fight.

THE DISLOYALISTS

David Miliband: Enjoys bananas… Has dark hair… Quite tall? Unless we're thinking of someone else.

Hazel Blears: Britain's most powerful Borrower. Lives inside the skirting boards at Number 10 where she chews through the modem cables and eats off an old bobbin. Can make a Babybel cheese last for a month.

John Hutton: Brown's long-term enemy who once said he would be a 'fucking disaster' as PM and is therefore the cleverest man in the Labour Party by a 'fucking mile'.

James Purnell: If it looks like a junior salesman and sounds like a junior salesman, you call it what it is.

Jim Murphy: Has been described by close friends and family as 'the lowest point in the history of Cabinet government'.

THE NEUTRAL COWARDS

Alan Johnson: Played the postman in Eastenders from 1987 to 1994. Rumours persist that he his Ricky Butcher's real father. Insists he has no interest in being leader but now has the bleary-eyed look of a man who is up half the night wanking over the very thought of it.

John Denham: We have no idea who this person is.

Jack Straw: Described, usually by himself, as a 'safe pair of hands' and Labour's 'kingmaker' but is in fact totally irrelevant and always has been.

Andy Burnham: Claims he always really wanted to be the lead guitarist in an indie band but instead of actually trying to do that decided to put on a Marks and Spencers suit and become a fucking politician.

Hilary Benn: Has a girl's name but wears men's shoes so may be in the middle of sexual reassignment. Nobody knows whether it's man to woman or woman to man.

Harriet Harman: Worst. Person. Ever.