Survivors To Enjoy Glorious Summer, Says Met Office

BRITAIN'S small band of pork flu survivors can look forward to a hot, dry summer, the Met Office confirmed last night.

After the densely populated wash-outs of the last two years, experts said Britain's thinned-out herd will enjoy the 'perfect combination' of great weather and very short queues.

A Met Office spokeswoman said: "The roads will be nice and quiet and the beaches will be wonderfully empty.

"You'll also be able to help yourself to some nice salads and a bottle of rosé at the deserted supermarkets and then have your pick of the abandoned soft-tops in the car park."

She added: "The only slight problem we can foresee is the permanent and overwhelming stench of decaying flesh."

Emma Bradford, deputy editor of Good Housekeeping, said: "If all your friends are dead, just heave some corpses into your garden, put sunglasses on them and then prop them up à la Weekend at Bernie's, while hosting a ghoulish and macabre Sunday afternoon barbecue.

"Then you could circulate, topping up everyone's drinks while pretending that they're all laughing at your witty remarks and asking where you got your lovely new sandals.

"And as the afternoon melts into a warm summer evening, why not put on some music, grab that sexy neighbour of yours and drag his lifeless body round the lawn? There really are some wonderful memories just waiting to happen."

Meanwhile the government yesterday launched its pork flu information campaign underlining the fact that despite 2000 years of civilisation the people of Britain still have to be reminded to use a fucking hanky.

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Search Engine Developers Unveil Total Waste Of Time

SOFTWARE developers have unveiled a new search engine that is both highly accurate and a complete waste of everyone's time.

The Wolfram Alpha is a computational knowledge engine that can access and collate trillions of pieces of verified scientific data while at the same time completely missing the point of the internet.

The Wolfram uses complex mathematical equations to deliver search results in response to detailed questions, but has so far been unable to answer everyday web-based enquiries, including: 'So where are all the vaginas? and 'Can I see a photo of a monkey having sex with a cat?'.

Kyle Stephenson, a 15-year old from Doncaster, said: "I type in 'Can I see some Swedish vaginas, please?', hit return and it pulls up a data set revealing the location of every vagina in Sweden.

"I'm then supposed to load this into Excel and superimpose it onto a Google Earth map of Sweden to create a scatter graph in which each dot represents a Swedish vagina."

Stephenson said the technology was impressive before pointing at his groin and adding: "Unfortunately it's just not getting the job done."

Tom Logan, a pub regular from Hatfield, said: "I asked it 'how much secret explosive would the CIA have to plant to bring down Susan Boyle?'.

"I got back a detailed analysis by a Harvard engineer showing how burning aviation fuel could superheat the internal structure of Susan Boyle causing it to buckle and eventually collapse in on itself in what might look, to the untrained moron eye, like a controlled explosion."

A spokesman for Google said last night: "How many years did they spend working on this? Fantastic."