Rampant Gurkhas Will Chop Your Head Off, Warns Brown

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has warned of large piles of severed heads if thousands of tiny Gurkhas are given the right to live in the UK.

Mr Brown urged MPs to think again after the House of Commons rejected his plans to introduce a height restriction for the fearsome Nepalese soldiers

New Avenger Joanna Lumley said: "The prime minster proposed a completely unreasonable restriction of five foot six inches knowing full well that most Gurkhas are too small to go on the Nemesis at Alton Towers."

Ms Lumley has vowed to continue her campaign of vengeance despite being arrested last week for trying to smuggle 14 Ghurkas into the country under her skirt.

But the prime minister told the House of Commons last night: "They don't mess about. They'll whip out their Kukris and lop your head off soon as look at you.

"They might even stick it on a spike as a warning to others. And they're really, really small which means they can sneak up behind you and before you know it your head is bouncing along the pavement like a dropped melon."

He added: "Don't get me wrong, I have huge respect for the Gurkhas but they are basically Britain's equivalent of Luca Brasi in The Godfather.

"Extremely useful at frightening the bejesus out of people you don't like, but you don't necessarily want them hanging about the house."

A Downing Street spokesman later added: "We've put the country £1.4 trillion in debt, government ministers are chin-deep in sleaze and the cops are beating merry hell out of everyone. We just felt that the obvious next step was to tell thousands of heroic soldiers to go fuck themselves."

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Pandemic Obviously Not What You Thought It Was

THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a pork flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.

As confirmed cases in Europe leapt from probably 14 to possibly 19, officials said the very small number of people infected meant it was vital governments across the world were prepared to use the word 'pandemic' as often as possible.

Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, said: "I thought it was when millions of people were infected, bodies were piled outside cemeteries and doors were daubed with a big, red 'X' to indicate a 'house of the unclean'.

"But then I looked it up and sure enough it said 'Pandemic, noun – 19 people in four different countries, each with a slight temperature and a bottle of Lucozade'. So there you go."

Margaret Gerving, from Peterborough, said: "I thought we'd at least see some tanks on the streets and lots of government agents walking around in those scary-looking biological suits they wore in E.T.

"You know, 'cause they thought E.T. was contaminated with space germs."

A WHO spokesman said: "Just so we're all on the same page, a pandemic actually means that about 100 people in at least three different counties are all suffering from the same condition.

"We use the word pandemic because it's a combination of the ancient Greek words 'pan' meaning 'everyone' and 'demic' meaning 'frighten the absolute living shit out of'."

Julian Cook, from Stevenage, added: "Right. A hundred people. Three countries. Same condition. So that does that mean there's a pandemic of having a small bust of Queen Victoria stuck up your bumhole?"