Waitrose closing stores because you're not good enough for them

WAITROSE is closing stores across the UK because Britons are not the ‘quality people’ they need in their shops.

The high-end supermarket says it would be making enormous profits if the public was as affluent and middle-class as they need to be to shop there.

Waitrose director Norman Steele said: “We’d love to keep the stores open, but this is what happens when you’re dealing with riff-raff.

“We’ve got stores crammed with lovely expensive things, but what do you plebs do? Come in, mooch around, then just buy some Kenco and a banana. We’re running an aspirational business here, you know.

“If you’d all tried a bit harder at school and become doctors and corporate accountants there wouldn’t be a problem. But no, you decided to be common instead.”

Martin Bishop of Manchester said: “Our local Waitrose shutting down is a terrible blow, even if I only went there occasionally because a small basket of shopping costs 50 quid.

“We thought we were Waitrose people but now we’re having to face the fact that we’re Sainsbury’s people at best. Possibly even Asda.

“House prices are going to plummet, but the worst thing is knowing you and your family are scum.”


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Diego Maradona's guide to having friends over for 'wine'

HOLA! I’m footballing legend Diego Maradona and here is my guide to having a few friends round for a quiet evening with cheese, pleasant conversation and ‘wine’.

Step 1: Supplies

Make sure you have plenty of ‘wine’. Get the good shit, nothing that’s been mixed with anything. Put your ‘wine’ merchant’s number on speed dial. You don’t want to run out of ‘wine’.

Step 2: Preparation

Loosen up with a couple of ‘glasses’ of ‘white wine’ before your guests arrive. Start getting out the cheese and biscuits but decide to do it later and have some more ‘wine’ instead.

Step 3: Greet your guests  

Invite your guests in and get them some ‘wine’. Ask whether you should put a couple of pizzas in the oven. Don’t worry if no one is interested – they’re probably just saving room for the ‘wine’.

Get an interesting conversation going – for example, everyone repeatedly saying, “Fuck, this is good ‘wine’!”

Step 4: Listen to deafening rock music

The best music for an evening of cheese and ‘wine’ is 1980s rock turned up to maximum volume. The power chords and macho posturing sound great after you’ve done lots of ‘wine’.

Step 5: Threaten your neighbours

At this point your neighbours may complain because you’ve been listening to Livin’ on a Prayer on repeat for several hours. Threaten them with a firearm and calm your frayed nerves with a large glass of ‘wine’.

Step 6: Deal with the police

By now your neighbours have probably called the police. Have another ‘glass of wine’ and barricade yourself inside the house.

Step 7: Tidying up

There’s nothing worse than waking up to a mess after a gathering, so flush all your ‘wine’ down the toilet before the police smash the door in and turn your house upside down.

And that is how to have a wonderful evening with nothing stronger than a glass of ‘wine’.