Britain braced for ‘shit tattoo-wave’

THE prospect of a heatwave will force Britons to look at shit tattoos for the rest of the week and into the weekend.

High temperatures are likely to result in tattooed people revealing thousands of Celtic bands, faded British bulldogs and embarrassing children’s names.

Meteorologist Donna Sheridan said: “Coastal towns in the south of England can expect dolphins, badly-drawn images of Tweety Bird and ‘Carpe Diem’.

“In the Midlands through to the North there will be outbreaks of barbed wire with roses, huge gothic script and the occasional scattered swastika.

“Our advice is to protect yourself at all times with a high-factor sun cream smeared on your sunglasses so you can’t see these fucking abominations.”

The record numbers of crap tattoos will reach as far north as the Shetlands, where forecasts predict unattractive mermaids that have grown strangely plump as their owners got fatter.

Sheridan added: “These are highly unusual tattoo conditions. Yesterday I saw a guy with a huge tat of Green Day covering his back. Who would get that?”