We are taking all of your things, by BP

YOUR holiday? We’re having that. Your new kitchen? That’s ours now. Your second car? Give it the f**k here. We are BP, and we’ve having all your shit. 

Sorry not sorry. You don’t make profits of $8.45 billion by being a nice guy, and that’s what we’ve reported this year. And those profits are until June. Imagine how much we’ll make this winter.

It’s your fault. You pissed us off with that whole pandemic deal, where you all stayed indoors and stopped driving and flying and consuming. That hit our profits hard and it was purely selfish.

Didn’t think about us, did you? Didn’t think about the poor petroleum multinationals still paying to pump oil, footing the bill for your survival. Well guess what, bitches. The shoe be on the other motherf**king foot.

It’s our turn to think about our survival, and that means sky-high prices and tough tits to the consumer. The next few years we are bleeding your arses dry.

We’ve got no choice. We’ve got to act before you all start working from home and installing solar panels and all that shizzle. This could be our last chance to make out like bandits and we are taking it.

So say goodbye to your videogames and streaming services and Air Jordans and Lego sets. Enjoy your last can of Brewdog and the last bite of your M&S King Prawn Bhuna. We’re taking it all.

You’ll sell your vinyl collection to pay a gas bill. You’ll sell your mother’s jewellery for petrol. The electric bill will take every last luxury you have until you’re huddled, freezing, on bare floorboards eating cold Aldi beans from a can.

Then we’ll announce profits of $24.85 billion. Then you’ll understand who’s in charge.

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Bristolian can turn anything he touches into a bong

A BRISTOL stoner possesses the uncanny skill of being able to turn any object he encounters into a bong.

Skunk enthusiast Jordan Gardner, aged 24, is able to improvise an entirely functional bong from any inanimate object in seconds, whether it is a pepper mill, a VHS cassette or an ornamental statuette of a rearing horse.

Acquaintance Lucy Parry said: “Jordan’s not good at much. He’s lost every job he’s ever had and he’s the worst DJ I’ve ever heard. But when it comes to bongs, he’s Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

“Give him a bag of weed and a melon, and within seconds it’s a professional smoking set-up to delight even Snoop Dogg. He sees smoking potential the rest of the world is blind to.”

Former boss Tom Logan agreed: “One time a customer left their bicycle helmet under a table. Within five minutes Jordan turned it into a sort of head-mounted hot-box.

“When the customer came to get it back, she was more impressed than annoyed. I think she said he was like a ‘stoned McGyver’. Even as I fired him I was shaking my head in reluctant admiration.”

Gardner said: “It’s like, only our limited consciousness and like, social conditioning, that prevents everyone from looking at a sandal, Toyota Yaris or Clifton suspension bridge and realising you could smoke through it. You just need to open your mind to the bong possibilities of the universe.”