Six sneaky border rules Europe's imposed just to piss off Brits, by a Brexiter

GOING on holiday’s become a right twat after Brexit. Nothing to do with us – it’s because jealous Euros have made up bollocks rules. Leave voter Martin Bishop explains: 

Cash to cover your stay

To get into Spain – Spain, of all places, the most British of all hot countries – you need to prove you’ve got £85 spending money per day. You what, Miguel? I spend that on lager alone. They said it’s a standard rule applying to all third countries. My arse we’re a third world country. It’s just an excuse to call Britons dossers.

The frogs being off sick

Those Dover queues? Caused by vomiting Frenchmen apparently. On strike more like, stopping us driving through their shitty country on the way to somewhere better. They just can’t move on from needing rescuing in WW2 because they’re all girly little pants-wetters whose great-grandmothers shagged the Wehrmacht. Pathetic.

Bureaucracy gone mad

Some obscure EU rule, which we only have to follow due to the technicality of them still running their own countries, says passports must be in date. You’d think they’d bend the rules for the British. We’re the most trustworthy nation in the world. We invented football and cricket.

Taking it out on innocent dogs

Pet passports are no longer valid because their dirty mutts have got rabies. It’s just bullying innocent doggies who can’t even buy Pedigree Chum from Asda on their own, even if you send them down there with a fiver under their collar. I’ve had to leave my staffie Bronson with my 82-year-old mother in her sheltered accommodation. They only do it because they know we’re a nation of animal lovers.

You’ve got to show a return ticket

Another insult. Do they think I’m some migrant from Syria sneaking in for free pizza and a 65in Smart TV? I told the woman at customs I was only visiting her nasty little country to get a tan. I gave those continental bastards a bloody good talking to as they quadruple-checked all my documents and baggage for three hours.

Stamping passports

I’m hearing a lot about stamping passports delaying people. Why don’t we just get the stamp pre-printed on passports at the factory? All my mates down the Leather Bottle agree it’s the obvious solution. You see, this is why lesser races like the Europeans are envious of our natural ingenuity.

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How inspired are you? A checklist for celebrating women

THE Lionesses’ victory has inspired women, but only up to a point. Follow our checklist to ascertain your level of inspiration-linked activity: 

Inspired enough to take up football in the hope of becoming a professional, joining the England team and being on the pitch to retain the trophy in 2026

Inspired enough to get one of your daughters to do that

Inspired enough to buy a season ticket for your local Women’s Super League club and become an ardent never-miss-a-game supporter

Inspired enough to go to a Women’s Super League game, quite enjoy it, but not go again

Inspired enough to watch the Women’s Super League on iPlayer

Inspired enough to complain on Facebook that you’d watch the Women’s Super League on telly but it’s not on which is typical sexism, ignoring replies telling you it’s on iPlayer

Inspired enough to still not want to watch Match of the Day every bloody Saturday night

Inspired enough to support a Women’s Championship club

Inspired enough to support a Women’s National League North or South club

Inspired enough to become a fanatic about grassroots football, to spend all your evenings on football message boards, to buy vintage shirts from eBay, and to complete every Panini football sticker album going back to the Women’s World Cup in 2011

Inspired enough to recognise that liking football doesn’t have to mean all that sad bloke bullshit

Inspired enough to accept the Lionesses’ victory as a victory for all women, and by extension yourself

Inspired enough to bring up the victory in arguments with husbands or boyfriends to put them in their f**king place

Inspired enough to say ‘yaaas kween’ on social media then forget about it until the next one