How to get through today if you're not into football

ARE you a weird killjoy not bothered about football, even though you’re a woman? Endure the next 72 hours of rolling Lionesses coverage with these tips: 

Hang out with Krauts

There’s one group of people who hates talking about football right now: Germans. Hang out at a bratwurst stand, swing by your local lederhosen shop or book tickets for an evening of German hip-hop for pleasant Teutonic company completely devoid of praise for Russo’s backheel.

Shut down your senses

Commentary, reaction, reaction-to-the-reaction etcetera will be impossible to avoid, even among people you consider friends like the Loose Women. To get around it slip on a pair of blinkers and noise-cancelling headphones and run out the clock until Friday at least. Or go for a big sleep. Either works.

Move to the bottom of the sea

Flatfish and crabs are as indifferent to the result of last night’s nailbiter as Britain was before it looked like we’d win. Get into scuba gear and spend the day knocking about with them. Never mind Ella Toone’s stunning chip over the German keeper, they don’t even know what footballs are. Or feet. Or water. You’re not there for conversation.

Go potholing

You know who wouldn’t have heard about Chloe Kelly ditching an interview to sing Sweet Caroline? Those Thai cave kids. If your phone’s got signal you’ll hear about the football, so get to zero bars by crawling underground and squeezing through rock formations. Only to emerge into a cavern where Sweet Caroline is echoing from six miles away.

Lighten the f**k up

If you can’t beat them, consider removing the stick from your arse and lightening the f**k up. A group of amazing players has somehow made football a bit of English culture to be unambiguously proud of. The unrelentingly grim news will be back next week so embrace the good times while you can, knobhead.

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Liz Truss having photo done in England kit as we f**king speak

LIZ Truss is posing for a photoshoot in England kit with a football under one arm as we f**king speak, Britain has realised. 

Somewhere in London, the Conservative leadership candidate is putting on full England kit including the exact same sports bra as Chloe Kelly, standing in front of a football pitch and doing that f**king face she does.

Sue Traherne of Chester said: “Of course she is. Doing the full John Terry for a triumph she had entirely f**k all to do with.

“Meanwhile in the background a speechwriter’s frantically rewriting her CV to include a stint as a creative midfielder for her Leeds school’s football team, a career tragically snuffed out by the lack of opportunities afforded to young Northern sportswomen.

“By about noon they’ll release the photos, which will be slapped on the front of every Tory paper desperate to talk her up as prime minister even though she’d be as shit doing that as she would be as England right-back.

“That little piece of cynical bandwagon-jumping should properly harsh everyone’s Euro-winning buzz and by this time tomorrow twats like her will have ruined the whole f**king thing.”

She added: “Who’s minister for sport? Oh Christ, it’s f**king Dorries. She’ll be right next to Liz in rugby kit.”