ARE you a weird killjoy not bothered about football, even though you’re a woman? Endure the next 72 hours of rolling Lionesses coverage with these tips:
Hang out with Krauts
There’s one group of people who hates talking about football right now: Germans. Hang out at a bratwurst stand, swing by your local lederhosen shop or book tickets for an evening of German hip-hop for pleasant Teutonic company completely devoid of praise for Russo’s backheel.
Shut down your senses
Commentary, reaction, reaction-to-the-reaction etcetera will be impossible to avoid, even among people you consider friends like the Loose Women. To get around it slip on a pair of blinkers and noise-cancelling headphones and run out the clock until Friday at least. Or go for a big sleep. Either works.
Move to the bottom of the sea
Flatfish and crabs are as indifferent to the result of last night’s nailbiter as Britain was before it looked like we’d win. Get into scuba gear and spend the day knocking about with them. Never mind Ella Toone’s stunning chip over the German keeper, they don’t even know what footballs are. Or feet. Or water. You’re not there for conversation.
You know who wouldn’t have heard about Chloe Kelly ditching an interview to sing Sweet Caroline? Those Thai cave kids. If your phone’s got signal you’ll hear about the football, so get to zero bars by crawling underground and squeezing through rock formations. Only to emerge into a cavern where Sweet Caroline is echoing from six miles away.
Lighten the f**k up
If you can’t beat them, consider removing the stick from your arse and lightening the f**k up. A group of amazing players has somehow made football a bit of English culture to be unambiguously proud of. The unrelentingly grim news will be back next week so embrace the good times while you can, knobhead.