Euros trophy left in nightclub toilet

THE Lionesses have left the Euro 22 trophy in one of a possible sixteen nightclub toilets, they have confirmed.

During a whirlwind night of celebrations which saw England’s women get absolutely off their f**king faces, the team has misplaced the trophy they worked so hard for while posing for selfies with equally wrecked fans.

Captain Leah Williamson said: “Ah shit. We’re meant to be showing that bastard off in Trafalgar Square this afternoon and we’re going to look like f**king mugs if we can’t find it. Let’s try and retrace our steps through the raucous haze.

“We definitely had it when we crashed Fabric because I used it to push straight in at the front. And I distinctly remember Mary Earps splashing around with it in the Carwash Nightclub swimming pool, so we can rule those out.

“Beth Mead used it as deposit for a round of pitchers in Cargo because we’d left the FA’s credit card behind a bar somewhere, and Georgia Stanway dragged it along the pavement as we staggered to Electric Brixton. It was in pretty rough shape by Colour Factory.

“That just leaves Ministry of Sound, XOYO, Studio 338, about seven I don’t remember and that illegal drinking den in Bermondsey. Yeah. Does UEFA has a spare, it might be worth asking?”

Nikki Hollis, who found the trophy in the bathrooms at The Pickle Factory, said: “I thought it was a hand dryer.”

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Boyfriend definitely not sulking

YOUR boyfriend is definitely not sulking and it is definitely nothing to do with the football, he has confirmed. 

The keen football fan has not really said anything since just after 7.30pm last night, apart from a few grudging acknowledgements about it being a historic win he supposes if you want to look at it like that.

Instead he spent the bulk of yesterday evening and this morning scowling into his phone, absorbed in chat with a WhatsApp group of fellow male football enthusiasts, sharing memes he refused to discuss and only breaking his silence to laugh bitterly.

Girlfriend Grace Wood-Morris said: “It’s weird because he’s well into football, so I thought he’d be pleased rather than sullen and narky.

“Whenever he sees the girls celebrating, for example that fantastic moment when they invaded their manager’s press conference singing ‘football’s coming home’, his bottom lip is stuck right out and his hands involuntarily clench.

“He even said ‘shall we turn this off and put Love Island on’ when I was watching them recap the triumph on the news, and he hates Love Island. I wonder what could have upset him?”

Boyfriend Oli O’Connor said: “I’m not sulking. It’s just not fair that all. It’s just not bloody fair.”