Years of hurt counter reset to zero

ENGLAND’S official years of hurt counter has been reset from 56 to zero, operators have confirmed. 

Following the Lionesses’ triumph yesterday, the device has been rolled back to nought and will remain so at least until the men’s team buggers everything up in Qatar.

Ryan Whittaker, who looks after the counter for the FA, said: “It was only last year that we added an extra digit, in anticipation of 100 or more years of hurt in our future.

“Now, if asked how long it had been since England won a major international football tournament I’d be able to point to it and say zero. Nil. Zilch. I’d have to measure the time in hours and minutes, which is f**k all.

“Zero years of hurt doesn’t really have any dramatic weight. If anything, chanting that in a stadium would sound like gloating. Nonetheless we’d have every right.

“Even if the lads f**k Qatar up, which now we’ve seen how a proper team does things seems increasingly likely, I reckon we could say that since it’s a joke tournament in a desert country in winter it doesn’t actually count.

“Really lifts the spirit seeing those zeros. Christ we were lucky Alexandra Popp injured herself though. She’d have wiped the floor with us.”

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Women better than men

WOMEN are officially loads better than men, the Euro 22 final has proved. 

By beating Germany in a major final, England’s female footballers have settled once and for all the question of which sex is superior because it is without doubt the women.

Nathan Muir of Northampton said: “We had a good run. Pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes, claiming to be good at stuff, all that. But it’s over now.

“Once a team of women cruises to the final of the Euros, putting eight past Norway and four past Sweden and then does Germany over to lift the trophy, then there’s no hiding it. Men are a load of shit.

“Football’s the ultimate yardstick, surely? There’s no more accurate indicator of quality than the beautiful game. And the blokes f**ked up their penalties and the Lionesses didn’t even need them. Case closed.

“I’ve apologised to the wife, I’ve accepted my place as society’s underdog, and I’ve fired off an email to the boss demanding I and all other male employees be paid 7.9 per cent less than the women, backdated to the start of the tournament.

“Sorry girls. We’re such a bunch of arrogant dicks that we fooled ourselves into thinking we were better. Thanks for showing us how wrong we were.”