We are WH Smith and we will never, ever close down

By WH Smith

TAKE a look at the high street. Big names going down left, right and centre. But what about us? You’d think a bumhole like WH Smith, more of a skip than a store these days, would be ripe for bankruptcy.

Have you seen what we charge for a bag of crisps? It’s shocking. You’d be better off going to the little newsagents down the road, if it’s one we haven’t driven out of business.

But here we are. And here we will be until the end of time. Long after Pizza Express has served its last margherita, long after Paddy Power has gone into receivership, WH Smith will still be standing and so will you – in a long queue while our befuddled staff are still working out how to use the electronic tills.

Even after the apocalypse we’ll still be trying to fob you off with 20-year-old Toblerones or doing ‘3 for the price of 2’ deals on chocolate-coated cockroaches.

You’ll shop with us because you know no better, because faded, shopworn heritage and British mediocrity is all you know.

And what will happen when Brexit kicks in? I’ll tell you what. You’ll just be left with us. WH Fucking Smith. Sitting on the high street like a discarded Oasis bottle with a mouse nibbling it.

Because we are Britain, in all its overpriced, lukewarm, rundown former glory. We are Britain. You are us, and we are you.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Which theme tune from a 90s American teen show are you?

DUE to the rich complexities of the human personality we can all be summed up by a theme tune from a 90s American TV show for teenagers.

Which one are you? Take our test to find out.

1. Do you have a stuffy old headmaster who is always thwarting your attempts at having fun? Have you often been in a slightly dangerous situation but you were somehow saved by the ringing of a bell?

If you answered yes to these questions then you are the theme tune from the seminal Saved by the Bell.

2. Do you like to ‘hang’ with your friends? Do you and your friends play basketball whilst you spend time/hang with each other?

If you answered yes to these questions then you’re the theme song from the relatively unpopular basketball series Hang Time!

3. Were you once playing sport when some thugs got up in your grill? Did this frighten your mother into sending you to live with rich relatives, at which point your life was flipped-turned upside down?

If you answered yes to this then you have just got out of a cab outside a plush Bel Air mansion which luckily for you, makes you opening rap from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air!

4. Do you like to slay vampires in small town America whilst learning about friendships and relationships and also occasionally killing other unworldly beings?

If you answered yes to this then you’re obviously Boy Meets World!