OIL and gas giant Shell has thanked you for your invaluable contribution to its record profits of £32.2 billion.
While celebrating on their diamond-encrusted, solid-gold superyacht, the bosses of Shell raised a glass of Dom Pérignon to you and everyone else who contributed to the biggest profit in the company’s 115-year history.
CEO Wael Sawan said: “Our profits were already massive so we didn’t think you’d manage it. But every time you put the heating on low to try and stave off the cold snap that was more lovely money for us. So here’s to you. Cheers!
“Without you using our extortionate energy to boil the kettle or charge your phone we’d be destitute and shitting ourselves about our bills. Luckily we’re as far away from the grim reality we’ve engineered as it’s possible to get, which is a real relief.
“The big line on our profit graph is shooting up to new heights and it’s unlikely to come down again any time soon. If you were an executive you’d get a big bonus for contributing to our success, but you’re not so you won’t. Sorry.
“Anyway, let’s look to the future. I’m confident you can make even bigger profits for us next year while we destroy the planet. Come on guys, let’s really go for this and make it a trillion!”
