We couldn't have done it without you, says Shell

OIL and gas giant Shell has thanked you for your invaluable contribution to its record profits of £32.2 billion.

While celebrating on their diamond-encrusted, solid-gold superyacht, the bosses of Shell raised a glass of Dom Pérignon to you and everyone else who contributed to the biggest profit in the company’s 115-year history.

CEO Wael Sawan said: “Our profits were already massive so we didn’t think you’d manage it. But every time you put the heating on low to try and stave off the cold snap that was more lovely money for us. So here’s to you. Cheers!

“Without you using our extortionate energy to boil the kettle or charge your phone we’d be destitute and shitting ourselves about our bills. Luckily we’re as far away from the grim reality we’ve engineered as it’s possible to get, which is a real relief.

“The big line on our profit graph is shooting up to new heights and it’s unlikely to come down again any time soon. If you were an executive you’d get a big bonus for contributing to our success, but you’re not so you won’t. Sorry.

“Anyway, let’s look to the future. I’m confident you can make even bigger profits for us next year while we destroy the planet. Come on guys, let’s really go for this and make it a trillion!”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Liz Truss planning shittest ever comeback

LIZ Truss is planning to follow up being the worst prime minister in 50 years with the shittest possible political comeback, she has confirmed.

Truss, who managed a month-and-a-half in office that cost British taxpayers a bargain £30 billion, has rallied support from Tory backbenchers of scarcely-imaginable cretinousness and believes she is on the way back.

An insider said: “We’ve got a fantastic slogan: ‘Liz Was Right and You’re An Idiot’. It really sums up her platform.

“She’s got the backing of the party’s thickest and most callous ideologues, all absolutely committed to political projects deeply unpopular with the public, like selling off the NHS and abolishing capital gains tax.

“Her move’s perfectly timed, just as tens of thousands of homeowners are seeing their mortgages rocket due to her fiscal event but while ‘growth’ is still used as an expletive.

“Even the way she’s portraying being shat out of public office faster than a bad kebab as ‘taking a breather’ is turning Britain against her all over again. This comeback is going to crash and f**king burn.”

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “She’s back? Okay, can we talk about the fact that she killed the Queen now?”