We insist on only the finest French champagne, say Wetherspoons' aristocratic customers

ARISTOCRATS who drink at Wetherspoons have threatened a boycott after the chain revealed it will no longer sell the fine French champagnes they demand. 

The customers, who include lords, ladies, baronets, earls and several minor royals, are outraged at the chain’s new policy to substitute genuine champagne with English sparkling wines. 

Richard Scott, the 10th Duke of Buccleuch and Queensberry who owns 240,00 acres of England and Scotland, said: “I fear my daytime sessions with the regulars at The Saxon Crown in Corby may be over. 

“They really are a wonderful group of chaps, especially Mad Lil, but without my pints of Moet & Chandon I shall have to take my business elsewhere.” 

Viscount Alexander ‘Orly’ Lascelles agreed: “If no Piper-Heideseick brut is available, then myself and the rest of the Leeds United Service Crew will be forced to find somewhere else to quench our thirst before big games. 

“Pity. Wetherspoon had such a marvellous atmosphere. Reminded me of the dinner hall at Eton.” 

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Man at front of gig screaming for song that band definitely going to play anyway

A MAN has stood at the very front of a concert shouting for the band’s biggest song even though they’re fucking obviously going to play it at some point anyway.

Martin Bishop attended a Rolling Stones gig last night and despite many strange looks from those around him, proceeded to scream for Satisfaction from the very first chord.

Fellow concert-goer Emma Bradford said, “Does he think they’re just not going to play that song? Does he think they hate their fans or something like Simply Red must do?

“Of course they’re going to play fucking Satisfaction. And, if for some reason they’ve decided not to tonight, I don’t think Keith Richards will change his mind because some bloke is shouting and waving at him.”

Bishop said” “I just love Satisfaction and if I don’t scream for them to play it in-between every other song then they might forget to play it.

“They are in there 70s now and when my nan was in her 70s she forgot to do all kinds of things, so I feel like I’m kind of helping them out a bit here.”