We Will Never Judge You, Says Greggs

GREGGS the baker last night assured its customers it would never ever judge them.

As supermarkets across Britain attempted to intervene in every aspect of their customers’ lives, Greggs said that not only would staff refrain from judgemental comments, it would make it as easy as possible for consumers to indulge their basest desires.

A spokesman said: “It is not our place to determine right from wrong, or express ill-informed opinions about your lifestyle choices. It is our place to come up with ever more convenient and sophisticated fat delivery mechanisms.

“We are currently working on a large plastic syringe, with a wide hole at the end, that can be filled from a stainless steel vat behind the counter.

“We will liquidise some doughnuts and sausages until they take on the consistency of Mr Whippy ice cream.  You then simply fill up your syringe with this pinkish-brown goo and inject it directly into your face.”

He added: “And will we ‘tut-tut’ whenever you ask for a refill? On the contrary, we think you’re fabulous.”

Meanwhile supermarket giant Sainsbury’s said it would cut the number of judgemental comments made by staff on its cheese counters by a third.

A spokesman said: “Big, fat cheese fans can buy their weekly half ton without a barrage of grunting and oinking noises, while gay couples will no longer be subjected to readings from the book of Leviticus every time they ask for one of those Austrian smoked cheeses that comes in a long tube.”

He added: “We will, however, continue to brow beat pregnant women who want some unpasteurised Camembert because, let’s be honest, everyone’s allowed to judge pregnant women aren’t they?”

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Tories to raise mildly racist caravan-owning bastard age

THE Tories have pledged to raise the age at which you suddenly turn into a racist caravan owner who is unable to drive faster than 38mph in a 60mph zone.

The government plans to save £13bn a year by slowing the rate at which Britain’s roads become clogged with caravans and motorhomes, increasing economic output by making it possible to journey somewhere without being overcome with rage. 

Accountant Tom Logan said: “So often I’ve overtaken some old bastard towing a caravan at 38mph on a trunk road and thought, ‘he looks blissfully happy’.

“He doesn’t care I’d happily kill him. His only job, after raising my blood pressure, is arriving at a nice campsite where he and his mousey wife will cook sausages, drink wine from a box and laugh a bout how much I hate them. And I want that.”

Julian Cook of York said: “This means I have an extra three years’ wait before I can develop a truly offensive and disgusting sense of entitlement.

“I was really looking forward to hitting 65 and developing spectacularly ill-informed theories about how everything is the fault of migrants. Specifically Muslims, for old times’ sake. 

“I wanted to travel the country, meet interesting people and thrust my wilful ignorance directly into their stupid faces. The dream is shattered. I feel utterly betrayed.”