YO ho ho! Captain Clegg here, feared freebooter of the seas whose only loyalty is to gold, explaining why it’s crucial to put vital public services in my hands.
Arrr, I sail the oceans in search of trading ships then I and my doughty crew board them, cutting throats and filling our hold with booty. Also, I am the ideal man to run key elements of your national infrastructure.
For example water, for the salty sea is my mistress and my home. With nothing but my three-masted ship and my cutlass I turn that briney into a fortune! And I can do the same for you.
By which I mean take command of your waters and make myself rich. None o’ that filtration nonsense, or sewage. Shit in a hole and drink rum, that’s what we do.
And power? Why, haven’t I been harnessing the wind and the sun since I took to the high seas? Ain’t I an expert on gouging the innocent for every precious ounce of silver? So who better?
Trains? Transportation be my very lifeblood. Not an hour of the sun’s light goes without my studying shipping routes. And I promise you this, not a passenger on those trains would leave without their valuables stripped from them, naked, tarred and feathered.
So I, my first mate Vagabond Jack, and my parrot Polly here will be taking over your water, your energy, and your transport links from now on. Not a man jack of those Tories will vote against me because I schooled with ‘em at Eton.
Set sail for Britain’s freeports, me hearties, where pirates such as we are welcomed! Let’s board old Albion, drain her coffers dry and chain up her people as galley-slaves! Let’s see if they even notice!