Why I should be running vital public services, by a pirate

YO ho ho! Captain Clegg here, feared freebooter of the seas whose only loyalty is to gold, explaining why it’s crucial to put vital public services in my hands. 

Arrr, I sail the oceans in search of trading ships then I and my doughty crew board them, cutting throats and filling our hold with booty. Also, I am the ideal man to run key elements of your national infrastructure.

For example water, for the salty sea is my mistress and my home. With nothing but my three-masted ship and my cutlass I turn that briney into a fortune! And I can do the same for you.

By which I mean take command of your waters and make myself rich. None o’ that filtration nonsense, or sewage. Shit in a hole and drink rum, that’s what we do.

And power? Why, haven’t I been harnessing the wind and the sun since I took to the high seas? Ain’t I an expert on gouging the innocent for every precious ounce of silver? So who better?

Trains? Transportation be my very lifeblood. Not an hour of the sun’s light goes without my studying shipping routes. And I promise you this, not a passenger on those trains would leave without their valuables stripped from them, naked, tarred and feathered.

So I, my first mate Vagabond Jack, and my parrot Polly here will be taking over your water, your energy, and your transport links from now on. Not a man jack of those Tories will vote against me because I schooled with ‘em at Eton.

Set sail for Britain’s freeports, me hearties, where pirates such as we are welcomed! Let’s board old Albion, drain her coffers dry and chain up her people as galley-slaves! Let’s see if they even notice!

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Friend starts WhatsApp group to plan her next dump

A FRIEND has started a new WhatsApp group, inviting you and 16 other close acquaintances, to plan an upcoming bowel movement. 

Emma Bradford set up ‘Big Shit Coming!’, the latest in a series of unnecessary group chats over the last few months, and invited you to join her and a select group of pals in discussing her impending dump.

She said: “I know that it’s a lot of the same people who are already in ‘Nicole’s Baby Shower’, ‘Weekend Brunch’ and ‘Cinema Visit?!?’ but I think this burgeoning poo merits a separate chat to keep things neat.

“I’ve kicked things off with a series of hilarious gifs of straining faces and sewage outfalls, I’m asking for book recommendations and I’ve prompted Natalie to tell everyone about her 2018 dump that forced her to seek medical attention.

“It should be really lively, and sit alongside ‘Camping trip 2023’, ‘New wallpaper ideas – feedback pls!’ ‘Tom Hardy so f**king gorge’ ‘Hair straightener recomms?’ and the classic ‘Girls girls girls’ chat as fun forums for everyone to join in.”

Friends Joanna Kramer said: “I don’t care how big a shit it is. It could be discussed on any number of existing groups or not at all. I can’t keep up with the muting.

“Though that said, I can’t let this ‘air freshener or open a window’ debate pass. I’m readying my typing fingers. These people need f**king telling.”