Wonga advert features only thing more terrifying than puppets

MONEY lender Wonga has replaced its menacing pensioner puppets with even more menacing dinner ladies.

The company’s latest advert features a dinner lady looming over a tray of something disgusting.

Although she appears friendly, like all dinner ladies she is ready to force the vile mulch down your neck while holding your nostrils closed.

Hard working person Mary Fisher said: “I thought the most chilling thing in the world was creepy corpse-like puppets, but actually dinner ladies are even more frightening.

“They haunt my nightmares. I remember one looming over me with a ladle, breathing her warm faggy breath all over me as I tried not to gag on dry chunks of school-issue chocolate shortbread, aka shitlog.

“The more endearing Wonga tries to be, the more it reveals its evil sensibilities.”

Wonga sources reveal that dinner ladies were chosen from a shortlist of ‘nice things’ that included vampire babies, evil sex-crazed robots and a massive mosquito with Norman Tebbit’s head.

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Cameron unveils plan to steal money from foreigners

DAVID Cameron has confirmed it is okay to steal stuff from foreigners.

The prime minister confirmed that any money earned by illegal immigrants is not their money at all and you can have it if you want it.

He said: “If you suspect there’s an illegal immigrant living nearby then wait until they’ve gone to work and then help yourself to all their things.

“If it turns out they’re here legally then you can just give it back, no harm done. Or you can keep it. Whatever.”

He added: “And when you’re ransacking their house, don’t feel you have to rush because they’ll probably be on a 14-hour shift doing something absolutely hellish that you wouldn’t do in a million years.

“It’s great being British isn’t it? We’re just so fucking brilliant.”