Osborne swears parliamentary oath on Necronomicon

GEORGE Osborne has sworn his oath of allegiance on the sacred book of the Old Ones of R’lyeh.

The chancellor surprised colleagues by rejecting the King James Bible, asking instead for the unholy scripture of the Sunken City.

Osborne donned a black cowl to speak the forbidden words of the Necronomicon, and to summon the spirits of the evil deities to whom he has committed his immortal soul.

Osborne chanted: “I swear by Glhuun, The Corrupter of Flesh, and Cthugha, The Burning One, that I will bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, according to the law of Cthulhu.”

“May Cthulhu rise again and enslave the kingdoms of the earth. May all submit before his throne of skulls, and may he rule forever in this world and the next. All hail Cthulhu.” 

A parliamentary spokesman said: “The oath is purely ceremonial, and the choice of book is a personal one, so nobody should read too much into it. 

“Though we hope The Corrupter of Flesh isn’t planning to stick around. It ate several under-secretaries before we could trap it in a pentagram.”

The Treasury has announced plans to press ahead with its promised £12bn spending cuts, and to replace the House of Lords with a black obsidian temple dedicated to blood rituals and human sacrifice.

The government also confirmed the appointment of Sheb-Teth, Devourer of Souls, as the new Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills.

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Play-offs to decide school league tables


OFSTED School Performance Tables will culminate in play-offs and a Wembley Final.

Education secretary Nicky Morgan said the final, invigilated by chief inspector of schools, Sir Michael Wilshaw, would be settled on the day with a GCSE shoot-out if the schools were still tied after 120 minutes.

Morgan said: “The play-offs will keep the academic year interesting right up until late August and offer the chance for education fans up and down the country to have a big day out at the national stadium.”

Mary Fisher, 29, a Latymer Upper School supporter who has the names of the successful 2002/3 science staff tattooed on her arms, said: “We know we cannot compete with the big boys such as King’s College School whose success as a global brand allows them to sign top French teachers from the Ecole des Roches for a five figure salary, but this will give us the chance for a shot at glory and possibly a place in Europe.”

But Tom Logan, 37, a lifelong Colchester Royal Grammar School fan from Bristol said: “Last season we topped the table 78.75 points per pupil ahead of fourth placed King Edward VI High School for Girls.

“Under this system all that hard work over the course of three terms can simply be overturned in the lottery of  15 year-olds’ Latin results.”