Tristram Hunt ducks out of leadership race after discovering he's a Tory

TRISTRAM Hunt will not stand in the Labour leadership contest after finding out he was actually a Conservative all along.

The shadow education secretary made the discovery after some basic research on Wikipedia to find out his weaknesses as a candidate.

He said: “I knew I was a Blairite, but when I found out my father is a life peer in the House of Lords and that I went to Westminster School I thought ‘how odd’.

“I then discovered that my cousin is Virginia Bottomley, the former Tory cabinet minister. That is deeply suspicious.

“And, of course, my name is ‘Tristram’.


On checking his beliefs, Hunt found that he supported low taxes on wealth creators, cutting benefits for low-income households and tighter immigration controls.

He added: “Also, apparently I’m the MP for Stoke-on-Trent. I don’t know where that is.”

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Avoid trains, says Network Rail

THE public has been warned to avoid rail travel on any date.

When preparing the traditional warning about bank holiday engineering work, Network Rail discovered that nowhere across the network was travelling by train even remotely advisable. 

A spokesman said: “Just don’t go on trains.

“Virgin Trains has scheduled long delays until all their overpriced muffins have been sold, trains in the North-West are being abandoned out of sheer despair, and East Anglian services are being invaded by Fenland frog-men looking for brides. I could go on.

“Cars and buses are quite good for long journeys.”

Eleanor Shaw of Cambridge said: “It is better to travel hopefully than arrive, and nowhere is that truer than if you’re arriving at Didcot Parkway.”