Wonka Factory 'Full Of Rats'

WILLY WONKA has been fined £75,000 after rats were discovered inside his magical chocolate factory.

In court Wonka had claimed the rats were highly-skilled employees who were able to retrieve lost children from ventilation system.

His lawyers then insisted the rats were actually the pets of the Oompa Loompas, Wonka's army of cheap foreign labour.

But Justice Finch-Hatton ruled that the Wonka factory was "seriously deficient in terms of health and safety" and that Wonka "occupied a strange fantasy world, seemingly oblivious to the regulations governing the manufacture of confectionery".

It's the latest setback for the multi-national chocolate empire. Wonka is fighting four separate legal actions after a factory visit last year by a group of prize-winning children ended in serious injury and illness.

Augustus Gloop, a nine year-old German boy, contracted a rare form of food poisoning and is now paralysed down his left hand side, while British schoolgirl Veruca Salt was beaten unconscious by angry squirrels.

Wonka said he was considering an appeal adding: "The rats are my friends. How could I ask them to leave? They have kindness in their hearts.

"Unfortunately they also carry botulism in their lower intestines."

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Controlled Explosions Linked To Insurance Scam

DOZENS of cars blown-up across the UK in the wake of the failed terror attacks are part of an elaborate insurance scam, the Daily Mash has learned.

Car owners, unable to sell their old vehicles, are paying up to £50 to have them destroyed in controlled explosions.

The owners then claim the write-off value of the car from their insurance companies who agree to  pay-out because the car has been blown-up.

Wayne Hayes, an insurance expert, said: "Why pay £20 to have it stolen by some bobble-head drug addict who'll then make an arse of it?

"Pay a little bit more and the car will be totally fucked-up by professionals with absolutely impeccable credentials.

"Insurance companies are hardly likely to start poking their noses in at a time like this. It would be unpatriotic."

One explosives official said: "With rising interest rates, the odd cash-in-hand job is very welcome.

"If blowing up a Saab 900 means a nice pair of shoes for my Angela, then I'm happy to oblige.

"And as insurance companies are all complete shits, it's a victimless crime."