Macaskill Brings Mini Poppadoms To 'Cobra' Meeting

MILLIONS of Scots slept easier in their beds last night as justice secretary Kenny MacAskill took full control of the nation's security. 

Mr MacAskill said he was "thrilled" to be invited to his first 'Cobra' meeting and would be taking along a packet of mini poppadoms, a jar of lime chutney and some Indian lager of his own "just to help out".

“It may seem unusual for all the top security people in Britain to sit about drinking loads and loads of cold beers and eating curry during a national crisis, but we have to carry on as normal, otherwise the terrorists will have won,” he said.

Mr MacAskill has been allowed to join meetings of the Westminster based Cobra committee, as long as he promises to be quiet and put his hand up when he wants to speak.

If he behaves well at his first two meetings, and is able to answer a simple questionnaire at their conclusion, he will be allowed to put out the pens and jotters at the next sitting.

The justice secretary’s swift assumption of control of the nation's security proved immensely reassuring to ordinary Scots.

Ethel Girvan, 86, said: "Kenny is the right man for the job, he has first hand experience of the arrest process, and is already on first name terms with a number of senior police officers in London, particularly in the Wembley area."

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Daily Mash Unveils 'Terror-News' Logo

THE Daily Mash today joins the premier league of news organisations with the unveiling of its own 'terror-news' logo.

The publishers believe that 'Britain: Shitting It' will become the gold standard for frightening media logos in the UK and beyond.

A Daily Mash spokesman said: "We swiped the picture from Google Images and then buggered about with it using a software programme called 'The Gimp'. It worked like a charm.

"We're still the new kid on the block compared to the BBC or News International so having our own terror logo is a bit of a landmark.

"Like all media outlets we've experienced a surge in traffic over the last few days. There really is  something to be said for living in a constant state of fear. Ker-ching!"

The spokesman added: "Remember, if it doesn't carry the 'Britain: Shitting It' seal of approval, it's not genuine scare-mongering."