You can claim compensation as soon as you run our maze of death, says Ryanair

RYANAIR has promised passengers that they will receive generous compensation and replacement flights once they run its maze of death. 

The airline, accused of failing to inform passengers of their right to compensation, claims to be disappointed with the low number who have chosen to run a gauntlet of unsolvable puzzles and deadly traps.

CEO Michael Ryan said: “Our terms and conditions are clear, and compensation beyond their wildest imaginings is all waiting for them in the final chamber. If they have the nerve.

“Sure, there are a few acid pits to get past, and obviously whirling blades, and I’m particularly proud of the poison darts that are always just where you don’t expect, and then there’s the RoboMinotaur, but come on.

“I’ve spent millions on this, because it’s my pleasure to see humans suffer, but it seems for once I’ve overestimated our customers’ willingness to submit to any tortures just to save twenty quid.”

He added: “How about this, lifetime Priority Boarding to anyone you makes it through the room with the razor pendulums and the crocodile. And a complimentary 250ml can of Coke.”

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Anyone who calls themselves a 'bad boy' actually just a prick

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that anyone who refers to themselves as ‘a bit of a bad boy’ is a prick.

Research from the Institute of Studies found that everyone from Judas Iscariot to Bobby Brown might come across as kinda cool for the first few minutes before you quickly realise they are absolute bellends.

Steroidal TOWIE-type twat Stephen Malley said: “Oh, I used to be a bit of a bad boy myself.

“Setting fire to bins, doing minor vehicle crime and generally making a nuisance of myself to normal hard working people.

“The kinda shit the bitches love. I’m also quite misogynistic, which is another cool bad boy trait.”

Professor Henry Brubaker added: “The term ‘bad boy’ is actually very accurate.

“This is because the kind of stuff they do is what bad children would do if they were in an adult body.”

Malley added: “Nowadays I’d say I’m less of a bad boy and more of a player. Basically that means I hit people, leer over woman and have an unhealthily close relationship with my mother.”