10 celebrities who've done an unfair amount of shagging

IT’S to be expected that rich, good-looking stars get more offers of sex than you. But some are just taking the piss with their non-stop shagging. Like these.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Leo can regularly be seen exiting nightclubs with three or more women. Assuming it’s not a PR stunt or they’re all getting a kebab, this is just greedy. If someone offers you a Thorntons chocolate, you just take one, not a f**king handful. Leo would grab the box, empty it into a bag and take it home with him. Yes. He’s that selfish.

Russell Brand

Back in the day, Russ was very proud of his shagging record. Fine. The grave injustice occurs when he discovered politics and started lecturing everyone sanctimoniously like a naive sixth-form revolutionary – precisely the sort of bullshit that doesn’t get you laid. It just goes to show there’s one rule for us, and another rule for priapic goth dickhead comedians. 

Tom Jones

After gigs, lucky ladies were escorted to Tom’s backstage area, romantically named ‘The Workshop’. Leaving aside the fact that Tom was married, what happened next was just wrong: dipping his penis in Listerine before and after sex to prevent STDs. How special those ladies must have felt. Tom is a bit of a weird, unreconstructed Welsh boyo, so they’re actually lucky he didn’t charge them for the mouthwash.

Gene Simmons 

Shagging galore is what you’d expect from KISS. It’s just that Gene’s estimated 5,000 conquests are simply numerically too many. Based on the average male lifespan that’s 1.2 a week, every week, from birth to death, without Christmases off. And it would have probably been 20 times that if he hadn’t dressed like a twat.

Omar Sharif

The suave 60s actor was a notorious ladies’ man, with lovers including Julie Andrews and Barbra Streisand. Fair enough, but did he have to go on Wogan and talk about it? It completely shattered the image of the sophisticated playboy shagger. Probably Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog were on next.

Alex James

To his credit, James admits he didn’t make the greatest artistic contribution to Blur, but he certainly did the most porking. This seems unfair. Really James should have some of his sex deducted and given to guitarist Graham Coxon for his greater creative input, although 26 years after the end of Britpop it’s not clear how this could be enforced now.

Motley Crue 

Famous for doing everything beyond excess, including groupies. Just one problem: can you name any of their songs apart from Girls, Girl, Girls? Probably not, and that was shit. Compared to the Rolling Stones, with whom you can easily name at least five songs instantly, the Crue’s shagging seems distinctly unearned.

The Monkees

Not known for their bonking, the Monkees actually did a phenomenal amount of it, with literally busloads of groupies being laid on, apparently. This jars somewhat with their musical output of cute love songs and their crappy kids’ TV show. As such it counts as too much sex. ‘I’m a believer, I couldn’t leave her if I tried,’ sang Mickey Dolenz, in an act of sickening hypocrisy.

Harry Styles

Despite his innocuous boyish appearance, Styles is gradually working his way through the entire female population: Taylor Swift, Nicole Scherzinger, Kendall Jenner, Olivia Wilde, Emily Atack etc. You wouldn’t mind, but he dresses like he’s been raiding the dressing-up box. If you did that you’d be refused entry to pubs and your girlfriend would tell you to f**k off home and put some non-stupid clothes on.

Mick Hucknall

It would be easy to make a predictable joke about Mick’s conquests giving hope to men who look like a troll doll genetically spliced with an electrocuted carrot, but he himself has detailed sleeping with as many as three women a day. Apart from being a chilling mental image, this is unrealistic for the average man, what with work, picking up bits from Tesco and so on. You might have to turn down that day’s shag #3, and they’d probably take it really personally.

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Surrey man assumes anyone with a Northern accent is left-wing

A SOUTHERNER has been shocked to discover that not everyone from the soot-blackened, impoverished North is a dyed-in-the-wool socialist.

Martin Bishop, from Godalming, assumed people from north of Oxford suffered from the ‘politics of envy’ and were extremely left-wing due to their coarse accents keeping them in their place and only being able to afford tripe.

However on his first trip to Yorkshire for work at the age of 43, he was astonished meet a Northern train passenger whose reactionary Tory views exactly matched his own.

Bishop said: “My immediate reaction was, ‘You’re putting me on. This is one of those crap Channel 4 prank shows and there’s hidden cameras in the carriage, right?’ 

“But she said there was a long-established Conservative party operating across various wards in Sheffield. I asked what the devil for, when everyone’s a socialist who just wants government handouts?

“Marjorie, her name was, said lots of Northerners voted Tory. That was an eye-opener. I thought British politics was set up for rich people to make money and leave the North to rot. I didn’t realise some of them went along with it.

“Not to be prejudiced but it seems Northerners are thicker than I thought, and I saw the ones on TV who praised the government for all the food banks.”