10 small but effective ways Prince Andrew could make amends

THE Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has revealed Prince Andrew is trying to make amends for his reckless youth when he was a mere strip of a lad in his 50s. Here are some suggestions.

Help his mother with light duties

At 96, the Queen is beginning to wind down on some of her essential chores. Andrew could do things like dusting the dozens of ceremonial assegais she’s collected over the years and clearing up the corgis’ mess the way she did his.

Learn how to sweat

It’s never too late to learn how to sweat. Once you get a feel for the water on your skin you’ll love it. Also very handy for cooling yourself down in nightclubs.

Free adverts for Pizza Express

Andrew dealt a blow to the public image of Pizza Express by associating it in the public mind with old leches accused of sex offences. He should ride to its rescue with a series of ironic ads such as him lasciviously saying ‘Mine’s a big and meaty – and I’ll have a pizza too!’

Set up a self-indulgent charity

Supporting charities for victims of sex trafficking was a non-starter, for obvious reasons. What Andrew needs is a worthy charity that reflects his own interests, perhaps raising spending money for posh people with no intention of getting a job.

Organise an It’s A Royal Knockout for the 2020s

Following in the footsteps of his brother Edward, Andrew should don the jester’s cap and raise a smile with wacky frolics involving desperate celebrities pushing wheelbarrows full of baked beans across an assault course for the cause of showing what a basically good guy Andrew is.

Take a wife

It would be seemly if Andrew were to prove himself a dependable, traditional chap by taking a shy, demure bride, preferably in her teenage years. This worked brilliantly for Charles, and public opinion of him would be reversed at a stroke.

Present a new BBC show, Andrew’ll Fix It

The once-popular Jim’ll Fix It format has fallen out of favour for reasons too sordid to go into here. What better way of restoring it than to give it the Royal seal of approval by putting Prince Andrew at its helm?

Lead a Falklands-style military incursion in the Ukraine

Andrew is a battle-hardened war hero from his exploits in 1982, seeing off the Argies single-handedly with his chopper. Time for him, in the spirit of the Top Gun sequel, to take to the skies once more and put Putin in his place. How romantic if he were also to win the hand of some lucky young Ukrainian girl as reward for saving her country!

Fire himself out of a cannon…

Could be part of It’s a Royal Knockout 2023, but it’s something most people would just like to see anyway. The circus spirit in troubled times. Go on, Andy. Do it.

… into a distant cesspit or a concrete car park

The first has enormous comedy value, the second would lead to broken bones but also prove Andrew can take his punishment like a man and not hide on an estate dicking around with horses.

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Should I stop shagging monkeys? Your monkeypox questions answered

YOU’RE probably confused by what monkeypox is and what you should be doing to prevent it. Don’t worry – Dr Emma Bradford is here to answer all your questions.

How can I tell if I’ve got the monkeypox?

It begins with fever, headaches and swelling, developing into a rash and unpleasant lesions lasting several weeks. However these can be the result of many things. An urge to swing on a tyre and live up a tree are the only conclusive symptoms. Also it’s ‘monkeypox’, not ‘the monkeypox’, you moron. I had enough of that with Covid.

Should I stop shagging monkeys? 

Monkeypox is spread by bodily contact rather than sex itself, so technically no. But intercourse with monkeys carries its own risks. They are surprisingly strong and getting your penis confused with a banana could lead to horrific injuries. There’s also the small matter of being a f**king weirdo.

I can’t get it because I go to the gym, right?

Viruses are not little monsters who think ‘I won’t bother with that big, strong guy, look at his guns’, as many fitness freaks and gym bunnies discovered when they got Covid. However, given the narcissistic f**kwits you find in a gym, it’s not surprising they believed this.

Say there’s going to be Eat Out To Help Out! Say there’s going to be Eat Out To Help Out!

While not as dangerous as Covid, it’s really not worth getting monkeypox for the sake of a mediocre half-price pub burger. The memory of getting some £2 onion rings free will do nothing to alleviate painful lesions and permanent scarring, surprisingly. 

Will monkeypox wipe out humanity? 

No. With any new disease the Daily Mail likes to imply it will, but that’s just wishful thinking because they’re vindictive bastards who hate everyone and haven’t considered who’ll buy their crappy newspaper when we’re all dead.

Will B&Q be shut? I’ll kill myself

Thousands of Britons ignored social distancing in their obsessive desire to shop at B&Q. However you won’t get monkeypox at B&Q, unless you’re in the habit of rubbing yourself against naked retired people. You also won’t have to wear a mask, so you won’t be able to whinge like a twat about that, or do that thing of not covering your nose properly in a supremely shit act of rebellion.