THE Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has revealed Prince Andrew is trying to make amends for his reckless youth when he was a mere strip of a lad in his 50s. Here are some suggestions.
Help his mother with light duties
At 96, the Queen is beginning to wind down on some of her essential chores. Andrew could do things like dusting the dozens of ceremonial assegais she’s collected over the years and clearing up the corgis’ mess the way she did his.
Learn how to sweat
It’s never too late to learn how to sweat. Once you get a feel for the water on your skin you’ll love it. Also very handy for cooling yourself down in nightclubs.
Free adverts for Pizza Express
Andrew dealt a blow to the public image of Pizza Express by associating it in the public mind with old leches accused of sex offences. He should ride to its rescue with a series of ironic ads such as him lasciviously saying ‘Mine’s a big and meaty – and I’ll have a pizza too!’
Set up a self-indulgent charity
Supporting charities for victims of sex trafficking was a non-starter, for obvious reasons. What Andrew needs is a worthy charity that reflects his own interests, perhaps raising spending money for posh people with no intention of getting a job.
Organise an It’s A Royal Knockout for the 2020s
Following in the footsteps of his brother Edward, Andrew should don the jester’s cap and raise a smile with wacky frolics involving desperate celebrities pushing wheelbarrows full of baked beans across an assault course for the cause of showing what a basically good guy Andrew is.
Take a wife
It would be seemly if Andrew were to prove himself a dependable, traditional chap by taking a shy, demure bride, preferably in her teenage years. This worked brilliantly for Charles, and public opinion of him would be reversed at a stroke.
Present a new BBC show, Andrew’ll Fix It
The once-popular Jim’ll Fix It format has fallen out of favour for reasons too sordid to go into here. What better way of restoring it than to give it the Royal seal of approval by putting Prince Andrew at its helm?
Lead a Falklands-style military incursion in the Ukraine
Andrew is a battle-hardened war hero from his exploits in 1982, seeing off the Argies single-handedly with his chopper. Time for him, in the spirit of the Top Gun sequel, to take to the skies once more and put Putin in his place. How romantic if he were also to win the hand of some lucky young Ukrainian girl as reward for saving her country!
Fire himself out of a cannon…
Could be part of It’s a Royal Knockout 2023, but it’s something most people would just like to see anyway. The circus spirit in troubled times. Go on, Andy. Do it.
… into a distant cesspit or a concrete car park
The first has enormous comedy value, the second would lead to broken bones but also prove Andrew can take his punishment like a man and not hide on an estate dicking around with horses.
