WE’VE got four days of Queen-based nonsense to get through, so you’d better crack open a bottle immediately. Here are the horrors it will help you blot out.
Is the phrase ‘Platty Joobs’ childish and annoying in the manner of ‘holibobs’ and ‘Panny D’, or an irreverent bit of British humour that undercuts the obsequious fawning of the celebrations? Something to discuss while you’re pulling the tab on your first can of lager this morning.
Culturally and historically confused street parties
The gay couple next door are drinking a cocktail called the ‘Lam-Queen-i’ under some ironic Union Jack bunting. This has encouraged number 47 to put out the England flag and World War I soldier silhouette they’ve got for Remembrance Day. Now your weird neighbour Norman has stuck a swastika in his window. The worst thing is it all makes a bizarre kind of sense and you need to be drunk to cope with this reality.
The Platinum Party
The forecast for Saturday isn’t looking good, which means you’ll have to drink in the house rather than the garden. You’ll pop on the telly and be confronted with a concert featuring a less-than-stellar line-up including Craig David, Duran Duran and Queen. You’d better sink another bottle of wine to alleviate the misery.
The Jubilee Pageant cringefest
By the time Sunday rolls around you’re considering having a day off the booze to recuperate and nurse your monstrous hangover. However, when you find yourself watching a section of the pageant called ‘Dames in Jags’ – literally Dames being driven around in Jaguars – you’ll be reaching for a bottle of gin to help blank out the sheer embarrassment of being British.
Next Monday morning
After four days of state-approved drinking, you will feel like absolute shit and be dreading the return to work. So you might as well make the misery worth it by getting as drunk as humanly possible, starting from right now.