59-year-old grounded by his mum

A 59-YEAR-OLD man has been grounded by his mother for having bad friends and lying about it. 

Andrew Windsor of Windsor was told by his elderly mother it was bad enough he was hanging around with that horrible Epstein boy, but even worse that he thought he could lie and get away with it. 

Andrew said: “So that’s it. I’m grounded. No jets, no helicopter, nothing. This is so unfair.

“I said ‘What about all my charities, I’ll still need to go to them’ and mum said ‘They’re all dropping you and you never went to them anyway’. Which is frankly hurtful at a time like this. 

“Now I’m confined to a 30-room house with a mere 98 acres of grounds for the foreseeable future. No nightclubs, no international business meetings, no golf. I might as well be dead. 

“She’s stopped my pocket money – only £249k a year, so it was already a pittance – and I’m only allowed guests to the house if they’re not sex traffickers or dictators’ sons. Which basically leaves no one.” 

Mother Elizabeth said: “He’s not completely grounded. I’ve given him permission to still take his girls to Woking Pizza Express.”

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Quiz: Can you tell which of these statements is a Tory lie?

THE Tories appear to have dispensed with telling the truth, so can you distinguish their lies from fact? Take our fun quiz and rate the following statements true or false.

1. Jeremy Corbyn has 20 mice living in his beard. Worse, he has named them after his terrorist buddies, eg. ‘Osama’, ‘Gerry’ and ‘Palestine Liberation Organisation’, which is admittedly a strange name for a mouse.

2. Tory party chairman James Cleverly is so named because he is incredibly clever and not a complete idiot as he appears. He is so clever he regularly beats chess grandmasters and has invented an anti-gravity drive.

3. The Conservatives have built 2,500 new hospitals which can reverse the ageing process and make you 20 again if you are a retired older person. Sadly none of them will be open until 13 December 2019 so you can’t book in right now.

4. If Labour get in their first act will be to put the SNP in charge and call the country ‘Greater Caledonia’. Do you want porridge on your chips? NO THANKS, JOCK!

5. Boris’s Brexit deal is so good that Germany and France are also planning to leave the EU. In fact the entire continent is grateful to us for their first glimpse of freedom since 1945. The deal, incidentally, will boost UK GDP by a remarkable £690 billion a day.

6. The Conservatives are the only party that will stop the BBC banning Dad’s Army because millennial snowflakes cry when they see a gun.

How did you do?

The correct answers are:

1-6: All Tory lies. However Tory voters won’t give a sh*t because most of them would be happy to believe the sky is green and the grass is blue if it means ‘getting Brexit done’.