A six-point guide to the Labour Manifesto

CRITICS call it ‘the longest passive-aggressive note to housemates in history’, but what is actually in Labour’s Little Red Book? 

1. Nationalisation of BT, water companies, energy companies, rail services, bus services, online bookmakers, Pret A Manger, Urban Outfitters, Timpson and Fanta.

2. Brexit, but lovely.

3. Renewing Trident nuclear weapons system and this time parading it around for everyone to enjoy, perhaps through a big square.

4. Reintroduction of grant-funded education to help students cope with rising cost of Jack Wills clothing.

5. Vague promises about limiting immigration cut and pasted from Priti Patel’s iPad.

6. Remaining 42,000 words cut and pasted from Das Kapital and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

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Man furious about tax asked if he'd like to do his own heart bypass

A MAN who gets furious about the idea of paying slightly more tax has been told he can perform his own heart operations and tarmac some roads.

Roy Hobbs, 52, has also been informed he will have to buy hundreds of books for the library he enjoys using and build a rubbish incinerator in his garden capable of reaching 1500 degrees.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “During election time people get angrier than normal about tax as if the government just wants to steal their money for a laugh.

“So as an experiment we’ve told self-centred idiots like Roy they can keep every penny of their money but have to pay for everything they use themselves. 

“This could be anything from putting out a blazing inferno in their house to buying a new nuclear warhead for Trident. We’ll see how Roy gets on, but we suspect he’ll soon be begging to pay tax again.”

Hobbs said: “I’ll see how I feel after I’ve done this vasectomy on myself.”