How to make yourself totally unemployable

DO you feel obliged to get a job but can’t face spending your life in an office surrounded by people you hate? Just make yourself unemployable! Here are some tips.

Get a facial tattoo

Even tattooists have expressed concerns about ‘jobstopper’ tattoos making clients unemployable, so get something weird like a skull inked on your face. Even a modest Bart Simpson in the centre of your forehead should stop you getting a job at the NatWest.

Have a long, mysterious gap in your CV

Even if you’ve been gainfully employed, leave odd gaps in your CV. When asked by potential employers what you were doing, cryptically say you “had to go away for a bit” and fix them with a stare that looks like Charles Bronson taught it to you on E Wing.

Be old

Whether you invest in some elaborate hair and makeup to age yourself, or simply happen to be old already, being over 50 makes you invisible in the eyes of many employers. Great if you don’t want a job, less so if you’re a genuine 50+ jobseeker.

Have an out-of-control drug or alcohol problem

If you cane it every night but hold it together, or discreetly snort lines of speed in the toilets, you are still employable. This is not good. Try being stumbling drunk at 9am or getting caught smoking Spice under your desk. 

Tell outrageous lies

Claim your employment history includes everything from Black Ops to award-winning sushi chef. Most employers will know you’re a compulsive liar – but there’s a risk clueless ones will think you’re amazingly talented and instantly offer you the job.

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Man who quit masturbating for three days acting like he's Jesus

A MAN who has abstained from masturbation for 72 hours is acting as if he is the saviour of all mankind.

Julian Cook, 27, stopped pleasuring himself on Sunday and now regards himself as free from sin.

Cook said: “I do feel like a much better person. Certainly as good as Jesus. Possibly even as good as David Attenborough, though perhaps not as good as Gareth Southgate.

“I don’t want a knighthood or a thank you letter from the Archbishop of Canterbury.

“I just want to help perverts who can’t stop fiddling with themselves.”