A woman's guide to meeting the exacting standards of Laurence Fox

DO you dream of going out with washed-up pub bore Laurence Fox? As you’d expect, he’s got very high standards, so here’s how to maximise your attractiveness to him.

Look your sexiest

Laurence’s tastes are pretty easy to guess: long hair for girls, short skirts and a decent display of tits to impress other blokes. So make an effort, ladies, even if Laurence himself typically wears unflattering skinny jeans, a camelhair coat that’s more Arthur Daley than fashionable, and way too much hair gel like the world’s oldest teenager.

Arrange to do something you’ll both enjoy 

A first date needn’t be something super-predictable like drinks in a pub or Pizza Express. Do something different, like a wine tasting, a trip to the zoo, or arranging LGBTQ+ flags in the shape of swastikas. It’s just so satisfying when you’ve managed to turn them into an entirely unrelated symbol of race hate, as Laurence will attest.

Play ‘top fives’

Comparing your top five films, foods, etc. is actually a pretty fun way to get to know someone. Simply claim that your top five TV shows are Lewis, Lewis, Lewis, Lewis, and Lewis. Laurence is enough of an egotistical prick to believe this.

Ask him questions about himself

This is Dating 101, but it does work. Despite his more obvious faults, Laurence is also a f**king moron, so he won’t think you’re taking the piss if your questions are: ‘Why are you so amazing, Laurence?’, ‘When are you going to become prime minister?‘ and ‘Has Margot Robbie tried to sleep with you? No? I’m surprised. What about Taylor Swift?’

Play dumb 

Goodness knows where we got this idea, but Laurence probably enjoys mansplaining, so say things like: ‘I don’t understand politics. Can you explain it to me?’ Laurence will happily oblige. Just bear in mind he knows f**k all about anything, so fact-check any suspicious-sounding claims, eg. white people are illegal.

Don’t mention Billie Piper

It’s fine to talk about exes on a date, but it’s best to keep it lighthearted. Even Laurence, who has the self-awareness of a drain cover, realises that the question everyone is simply dying to ask is: ‘When exactly did Billie realise she was married to a massive cock?’

Have a sense of humour

It’s a cliche, but it is an appealing trait in a potential partner. The good thing about Laurence is that, like all right-wingers, his sense of humour will be incredibly stunted and based on things he agrees with rather than what’s actually funny. Just think of a devastating one-liner like ‘Sadiq Khan, what a f**king tosser!’ and Loz will consider you one of the comedy great like Bernard Manning, Jim Davidson or Bernard Manning again because there aren’t many right-wing comedians.

Do not question his opinions

That’s what Ava Evans did and look where it got her – she missed out on the chance of mind-blowing sex with hunky Laurence. She could have just agreed that the gender pay gap was made up, but now she’ll die a lonely old spinster, living a life of eternal regret at not becoming Mrs Laurence Fox #2.

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The five secret WhatsApp groups you're not in

ARE people WhatsApping behind your back? Of course they are. See which of these furtive groups you’re excluded from and never knew existed.

The side family one

The family WhatsApp group makes mum feel she’s still in the loop, but the real action is in the side group your siblings started. Here you can talk about what a basket case your mum has become, post memes she’d think are ‘a bit rude’, and start planning who gets what when they die. Mum won’t know until it’s too late, ie. your brother’s outside waiting to give her a lift to the care home.

The mental health concern one

The group that splintered off from your friends’ group chat and is called something like ‘Is Clare okay?’ This started out of genuine concern for the friend who had seemed a bit down lately, but the longer it got left open the more it devolved into a group chat where you all take the piss out of your depressed friend, or ‘loony tunes Clare’, as you fondly refer to her.

The work one outside of the work one

‘Hey guys, thought I’d set up a WhatsApp group to make things easier’ is how the main work WhatsApp group started. ‘Colin is such a cocksucker’ is how the other group where you complain about workmates started. Guess which one is the more vibrant online community.

The desperate romantic one

You started messaging someone you fancy in the friend/work group in a side chat, but the conversation quickly fizzled out when they saw what you were up to. It remains open and unused, a testament to your failure and a reminder to never put yourself out there again.

The relationship intervention one

If you have a partner who possibly isn’t right for you, this is the group in which your friends discuss when enough is enough and whether they should finally tell you to ditch the bitch/bastard. They could use it for proper interventions if you have a drug or alcohol problem too, but that would require planning rather than just bitching about someone, plus they’re all hopeless pissheads themselves.