Sunak on way to find out what's so great about this f**king 'Manchester'

THE prime minister is travelling to the so-called city of Manchester ahead of the Tory conference to see what all the fuss is about.

Having repeatedly ducked questions about whether he will axe HS2, Rishi Sunak has booked a helicopter to Manchester to see for himself whether it is worth connecting to anywhere else.

Sunak said: “How good can it be, really? Compared to London, which has everything, I suspect it’s a shithole. Prove me wrong, Manchester, prove me wrong.

“Tripadvisor says it’s got a cathedral and a few poxy museums. Big deal. You can’t move for them in the capital, plus we’ve got loads more Prets, Big Ben and the London Dungeon. It’ll have to try harder than that to impress me.

“And don’t get me started on the people. They’re violent, stupid, and frankly not terribly clean. I’ve seen them on Shameless. I had to turn it off after 20 minutes.

“Basically, is it worth hooking up ‘Manchester’ with a pricey train line, or should we just leave it well alone? 

“I’d understand if it was somewhere better, like St Ives, but I’m afraid I can’t justify the spending all that taxpayers’ money just to make life easier for the residents of Coronation Street.”

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Middle-class student struggling to understand pan that isn't Le Creuset

A POSH university fresher has been left baffled by kitchenware that is not the extortionately-priced French brand Le Creuset.

Arriving at her halls, Charlotte Phelps discovered that for some reason most people do not use the brightly-coloured professional range that costs upwards of £200 for what is basically a pot. 

Phelps said: “Obviously I knew uni would be a bit wild now they’re letting state school people in. But I was keeping an open mind, even when I saw someone’s mum drop them off in a hatchback.

“Then they all took out their rubbish cheap pans they bought at some awful place called Wilko. That sounds like a rag and bone man. Maybe he is.

“So do you just put your food in it like you would normally? Is that hygienic? Talk about a culture shock.

“I can see their cookware has lids and handles, but it all looks terrible flimsy. I hope they don’t start bringing in things they’ve found in the road to cook. All I can say is it’s no wonder so many students end up living off takeaways.”

Halls-of-residence neighbour Nikki Hollis said: “I offered to fry her an egg and that awful condescending posh girl looked at me like I’d shot her pony. 

“It’s probably a good thing she said no. I was going to fry it in spit.”