An EastEnders/Corrie crossover: The Queen's plans for her Platinum Jubilee

THE Queen is giving Britons an extra bank holiday, five grams of cocaine and a big cake each for her Platinum Jubilee next year. And that’s just to start with:

All bands to reform

Do you dream of seeing the The Jam back together, playing a blistering set? Oasis reunited? The Smiths’ original line-up on stage? That’s happening, by Royal decree, to prove that a career rebelling against the establishment is nothing compared to the threat of beheading.

Smoking in pubs

For one glorious weekend next summer smoking in pubs will be entirely legal again, just as it was for most of ER’s reign. Have a fag at the bar and another on the go at the urinals, and remember how it was when Britain was Great.

A Coronation Street and EastEnders crossover

Mick Carter leaves Walford for a break and arrives in Weatherfield. Meanwhile Shona Platt rocks up at the Queen Vic. Yes, it’s a full summer crossover including affairs, murders, and a pregnancy where the father could be from either soap. Because the people wanted it and the Queen says.

Meghan pranked

The Duchess of Sussex will spend the next 12 months making an earnest, powerful Netflix documentary about self-empowerment – only to learn that the whole thing was a Palace set-up. Everyone involved was an actor, they’ve all been laughing at her and she looks a right twat.

A drug collection

For the Silver Jubilee it was Party Sevens. For the Golden Jubilee it was white cider. For her Platinum Jubilee, in addition to five grams of coke our monarch is also bestowing upon her subjects a quarter of weed, three Es and a tab of vintage acid to be dropped at 7pm, an hour before the fireworks.

A cabinet minister of your choice executed

The Royals love a good execution and it’s been too damn long. So, chosen by a Saturday night BBC show and weekly phone-in, one of Her Majesty’s Government will be executed at her pleasure live from the top of Buckingham Palace before cheering, bloodthirsty crowds.

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Were you a Clarks nerd or a Kickers cool kid? What your school shoes said about you

YOUR footwear at school was crucial to how you were viewed by your contemporaries. Here’s how your 90s school shoes affected the rest of your life.

Clarks nerd

Yes, your shoes might have been the best-fitting and you have probably gone on to a successful career, but nobody in their early teens cared about that. The truth is that your mum chose your shoes and they cemented your reputation as a nerd from the moment you turned up.

Kickers cool kid

Wow, has that guy got Kickers on? If that was you, you must have been cool, probably had floppy hair worn in a centre parting and carried around a trendy Eastpak rucksack. What a shame that you focused more on your image than your academic work, and you have struggled to match the highs of your schooldays ever since.

Dr Martens club member

Again, image mattered to you, and that yellow stitching was the height of fashion. You would wear your ‘DMs’ to school if you could get away with it, or just at weekends and wear less cool shoes during the week. Either way, you lived in them – until someone walked off with them after confusing them for their own because, let’s face it, everyone had them.

Cheap imitations

Your parents did not have the money for expensive brands or sensibly preferred not to spend it on their long-suffering child’s footwear, so you were left with what were clearly cheap imitations. The problem is that your year group were not so understanding and did not let it go unmentioned. Remember how you dreamed of buying Caterpillar boots with steel toes so you could kick them back, the pubescent bastards?

Woolworths plimsolls/Dunlop Green Flash

The shame. If you didn’t have cool trainers for PE you faced mocking comments and a permanent drop in status. Really you should have been allowed to change schools and make a fresh start.

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