THE Queen is giving Britons an extra bank holiday, five grams of cocaine and a big cake each for her Platinum Jubilee next year. And that’s just to start with:
All bands to reform
Do you dream of seeing the The Jam back together, playing a blistering set? Oasis reunited? The Smiths’ original line-up on stage? That’s happening, by Royal decree, to prove that a career rebelling against the establishment is nothing compared to the threat of beheading.
Smoking in pubs
For one glorious weekend next summer smoking in pubs will be entirely legal again, just as it was for most of ER’s reign. Have a fag at the bar and another on the go at the urinals, and remember how it was when Britain was Great.
A Coronation Street and EastEnders crossover
Mick Carter leaves Walford for a break and arrives in Weatherfield. Meanwhile Shona Platt rocks up at the Queen Vic. Yes, it’s a full summer crossover including affairs, murders, and a pregnancy where the father could be from either soap. Because the people wanted it and the Queen says.
The Duchess of Sussex will spend the next 12 months making an earnest, powerful Netflix documentary about self-empowerment – only to learn that the whole thing was a Palace set-up. Everyone involved was an actor, they’ve all been laughing at her and she looks a right twat.
A drug collection
For the Silver Jubilee it was Party Sevens. For the Golden Jubilee it was white cider. For her Platinum Jubilee, in addition to five grams of coke our monarch is also bestowing upon her subjects a quarter of weed, three Es and a tab of vintage acid to be dropped at 7pm, an hour before the fireworks.
A cabinet minister of your choice executed
The Royals love a good execution and it’s been too damn long. So, chosen by a Saturday night BBC show and weekly phone-in, one of Her Majesty’s Government will be executed at her pleasure live from the top of Buckingham Palace before cheering, bloodthirsty crowds.