An entirely speculative fact-free guide to which celebrities are definitely on Ozempic

FIRMLY convinced that, with no experience, you have the uncanny ability to spot which celebrities are using weight-loss drug Ozempic? Go ahead: 

Jennifer Aniston, definitely

Exactly the kind of celebrity who’s always in those magazines anyway, Aniston is definitely on Ozempic despite seemingly suffering no recent weight issues and not looking particularly gaunt. Nonetheless, the Friends star is too vain not to be, at a guess.

Kate Winslet, for sure

Dogged by unhappiness about her weight ever since the tabloids made that up post-Titanic, Winslet is also woke. So her taking the slimming shot is an act of outright hypocrisy about which she should be ashamed. That’s why she denies it and is hiding her new figure under baggy clothing.

MC Hammer, without a doubt

34 years on from Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em the album and movie, the charismatic bespectacled US Mr Motivator is a shadow of his former self. His bloated form now fills out his baggy pants only too well. Ozempic is his last, pathetic hope of returning to rap’s A-list.

Meghan Markle, has to be

The sum of all Hollywood’s evil must be using the drug, even though no minor fluctuations in her size have yet been detected by the Mail’s crack 45-journalist team working in shifts day and night to monitor it, because she is too monstrous not to be. And who’s paying for it? Your taxes.

The Rt Hon Lord Pickles, obviously

Former Tory chair Lord Eric Pickles has urged his party to take their time electing a new leader. Why? Because he’s on the Ozzy and intends to stride into the room weighing a svelte 11 stone, stunning opponents with his electorate-friendly look, and win at a canter.

Posh Spice, bloody typical

Christ, is she not thin enough? Half a century of being an ectomorph and now she’s injecting Ozempic? What does she want, to dissolve into the air?

Paul Hollywood, why not

Presenting Bake-Off then, when the production team’s back are turned, slumped in his car jacking up a hit of a miracle slimming drug? Sleazy, two-faced and exactly like him. You don’t need evidence. From now on every time you see him on TV, nudge your companion and say ‘You know how he looks like that, don’t you. Ozempic.’

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