Angry stag mistook man for Kay Burley

AN ANGRY stag chased a man up a tree because he thought it was Sky’s Kay Burley.

The animal charged at the terrified pedestrian in a West London park but stopped as soon as he noticed the man was not trying to interview him.

The stag, Roy Hobbs, apologised to his victim, adding: “Kay Burley, red mist, totally my fault.”

Hobbs stressed his reaction had little to do with Burley’s latest grotesque invasion of private grief, insisting he was still furious about ‘that pathetic fucking Gordon Brown interview from the last election’.



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May pledges to bring back the slipper

HOME secretary Theresa May is to call for the restoration of the slipper as a deterrent to Britain’s young dodgers, perils and minxes.

She will also recommend the use of castor oil as punishment for catapult and peashooter-related crime, as well as peeping through keyholes.

And in her speech to the Tory conference, May will announce a Tower of Dogs Act, to prevent menaces posing as grown-ups to get into cinemas by piggybacking on their dogs and covering themselves in overcoats.

There will also be a clampdown on streetfighting, in particular involving The Gasworks Gang, the Jocks And The Geordies and The Bash Street Kids.

May said: “We have seen communities blighted by the anti-social sight of small dustclouds with half a dozen arms and legs protruding and  their cries of “Take that!” and “Ooyah!”

“Much of today’s crime is committed by girls as young as eight, many of them wearing berets. As recently as the 1980s, we could rely on their fathers to administer a good whacking to them for filling the park drinking fountain with fizzy pop.

“Under this government we will soon be able to read about this happening again.”

May said that it was important to address underlying issues such as diet. “We need to ensure that our children desist from eating so many scrumped apples.”

But shadow home secretary Yvette Cooper accused May of ignoring the reality of youth crime, adding: “The Tories  are just a bunch of softies who wear polka-dot ties, play hopscotch, have mates called Bertie Blenkinsop and own poodles named Foo-Foo.”