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Anneka Rice, and six other slightly nostalgic wanks

SOMETIMES it’s nice to go home. Unzip and remember former passions with these comforting wanks of times past: 

Anneka Rice

Her shows seemed outdated even in the 80s, she sustained an improbable career of outsourcing work to others while having an arse in a jumpsuit, but there’s a certain cosiness to her gap-toothed smile that keeps viewers going back to fond memories with their hands down their trousers.

Pan’s People 

Individually varied, but much more than the sum of their parts, the dancers who shook their collective bootys before the pop video existed catered to a wide range of possible fantasies. Stick on an old Top of the Pops where the presenter hasn’t been YewTreed, lay back and finish within three minutes.

Peter Andre

Not the shop-worn version of today, selling his own life faster than he can live it, but the sun-kissed exotic beneath a waterfall of 1996. No men had six-packs then. It wasn’t thought they could be achieved under British conditions. Andre was like an alien.

Carol Vorderman 

Two large ones please, Carol. And indeed they were, though not as large as now. While Rachel Riley more than suffices in the present day, there is something comforting about vintage Carol in a simpler time. Try not to let your strokes be affected by the sound of the Countdown clock.

Eric Cantona

All of that bad boy appeal and French? Mystifying and violent? Incredibly talented yet dedicating it to the undoubted evil of Manchester United winning everything? Those eyebrows? As he imperiously turns up his collar, you meekly slip down your pants.

Lalla Ward

A classic beauty in episodes of Doctor Who that are best hazily remembered rather than actually watched, she provided mini-skirted masturbatory inspiration for generations. Since married Tom Baker and Richard Dawkins, if you want to try and work that in.

Kim Wilde

The pout that launched a thousand wet dreams while incongrously singing about illegal bombing missions to Cambodia, a single lip-synching performance kept you going for weeks. Even now when her version of Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree comes on you press mute, close the door and wank wistfully away.

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The life lessons I've learned from Succession, by the Prince of Wales

HELLO, subjects. Because I’m normal like everyone, I’ve been closely watching docu-soap Succession for tips on deposing one’s father without anyone noticing. I picked up these: 

Keep idiot younger brothers happy with important-sounding jobs like the Invictus Games. Ignore meaningless chatter about killing the Taliban.

Marrying a woman whose family works for a living can be unsettling. Be supportive when their parents’ business folds, owing the taxpayer £220,000. This is what taxes are for.

When your father is caught saying ‘This is as well-choreographed as dogs f**king on roller skates’ in the Coronation coach, it is your duty to ignore it.

Remember he’s on hand to help with covering up careless crimes. Much as Kendall Roy let a waiter drown and got away with it, I’m indebted to my father for clearing up a fracas that now didn’t happen. Why else would I smilingly open leisure centres in Milton Kenyes?

Always keep leverage over close family members. In my family, as with the Roys, one is spoilt for choice.

Secret meetings with dad about titles and allegiances are normal, and always negotiate over titles. Co-COO? Do I look like Prince f**king Edward to you?

Note to self for Uncle Andrew: if you’re ever giving a eulogy for someone dubious, it is fine to simply confirm the existence of the deceased, the names of his relatives and the fact they are now ‘sad’.

Never perform an 80th birthday rap wearing a Team Charles T-shirt. Order a compromised subject, eg Dizzee Rascal, to do it in your stead.

Check Papa always has the right pen, so he doesn’t get annoyed, and so there is never any doubt about whether one’s name is underlined or crossed out.

Spice up tedious Firm gatherings with colourful language. Kate and I practise incorporating fun slogans like ‘Buckle up, f**klehead!’ into everyday conversation.

If in doubt, get your father’s love by doing whatever he needs. If asked why, simply respond, ‘because Dad told me to.’ Nobody can question that.

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