That doesn't live there, screeches woman who made up where things go and never told anyone

A WOMAN who has invented a system of storing items known only to her is furious at her family for not following it. 

Fastidious tidier Donna Sheridan routinely upbraids her husband and children for placing objects in locations that make sense but do not conform to strict rules she has not shared.

She said: “Bottles of shower gel live on the right hand corner of the bath, not the f**king left. How many times do I have to relocate them while hissing in annoyance?

“The telly remotes live next to the DVD player, not in front of it, medium-sized mugs only go on the middle shelf, and best T-shirts go in the top drawer and the second-best go in the third drawer. How is that not obvious?

“I shouldn’t have to spell out where everything lives. It’s all been arbitrarily designated and laid down in a system I have never outlined verbally or in writing, so why everyone gets it wrong I don’t know.

“All everyone needs to do is read my mind and leave things exactly as they found them. After all, this home isn’t to be lived in. It’s a shrine to order.”

Husband Martin said: “Pretty rich coming from someone who puts bowls on the bottom shelf of the dishwasher like a f**king idiot.”

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This Morning to be taken off air after discovery presenter has had sex

ITV has admitted This Morning cannot carry on after the revelation that one of its presenting team has had sex. 

Viewers have agreed that the show’s anodyne, neutered charm has been forever tainted by learning that the man who sat on that very couch had engaged in dirty business.

Committed daytime viewer Margaret Gerving said: “What next? Has Holly done it, too?

“I had no issue with Phil coming out as gay in 2020 because I assumed that, like all decent gay men, he never actually did it. I mean look at Rylan. You’re not telling me he’s got a cock. Down there he’s nothing but smooth.

“But if Phil’s actually used his genitalia? How can I believe he’s actually interested in this season’s maxi-dresses or light summer salads when he’s known real carnal bliss? How can anyone?

“That’s why Richard and Judy were the dream presenters. You could never believe they’d ever actually made love to each other. And even they had to go when she got drunk and flashed her tits at the National TV Awards.”

This Morning, viewers of the show and Britain’s media have confirmed they are pretending that John Leslie never happened.