Anyone would look like King in all that shit

AFTER seeing the King’s official Coronation portrait, the public has agreed that anyone in a robe on a throne carrying a sceptre and orb would look equally regal. 

The portrait, in which Charles is barely visible under six layers of royal drapery and accessories, was deemed acceptably kingly while also looking like one of those novelty photos you can take at theme parks.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “There’s only his face showing, and that only seems royal because we’re used to it.

“Honestly, put my grandson Caleb in the Robe of Estate and the Imperial State Crown, seat him on one of Edward VII’s throne chairs and pop the Sovereign’s Orb in one hand and the Sovereign’s Sceptre with Cross in the other? He’d look born to power.

“Put anyone in that get-up and they seem like they should be on money. Roger Daltrey, David Dickinson, Glenn Hoddle, that old lad who sits outside the public library all day drinking white cider, they’d all scrub up nice with a bit of ermine.

“It’s almost as though there’s nothing special about Charles at all and he’s just a figurehead perpetuating the British class system by his empty existence. Weird.”

She added: “Can you get orbs? Because I kind of want one now.”

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New celebrity travel show just f**ks off and leaves them there

A NEW celebrity travel TV show takes household names to remote locations around the world then flies home without them. 

The bold new concept has sent Jenny Frost to Tierra del Fuego, Paddy McGuinness to the Aluetian Islands and Edwina Currie to the source of the Congo and hopes they will be very happy there.

Producer Bill McKay said: “We have too many famous people. Meanwhile, who’s ever heard of anyone from Papua New Guinea?

“So we’re clearing the aggressive waves of untalented celebrities overwhelming our tellys like raw sewage with scarily white teeth by donating them to lucky, lucky foreigners.

“Shows like Robson Green’s Micronesia, Crossing the Empty Quarter with Chris Moyles and Jane McDonald: Into the Mariana Trench exist only on paper. We’ve told the celebs they’re being filmed on drone. There are no drones.

“We’re thinning the herd of the insufferable accidentally-famous by offering them undeserved presenting work. They know they’re not qualified but they still take it. Their loss.”

He added: “We’re launching a domestic version, where middle-aged comedians driving unusual vehicles head to off-the-grid Britain then the vehicles break down.”