Apache helicopters better at killing people than landmines, says Harry

PRINCE Harry has called for a global landmine ban insisting they are a waste of time compared to his multi-million pound helicopter of death.

Echoing his mother’s campaign from the mid-1990s, the Prince said it was ‘shocking’ that governments that wanted to kill people were still using such dreary, antiquated technology.

He added: “I’m sure my mother would have agreed that strafing people from half a mile away is much more humane and interesting for everyone involved.

“Plus, land mines are left in the ground for years after a conflict has ended, whereas Apache-based deaths are always highly topical.

“If I am going to kill you with my helicopter it will be during an ongoing war that we are both very much part of.

“I find that comforting.”

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Children a massive scam dreamt up by shops

CHILDREN are an elaborate scam created by retailers and costing an average of £150,000.

Researchers found that the money spent on raising a child to the age of 18 represented the poorest value per pound of any product in the market place.

They also discovered that the modern idea of children was invented in 1962 at a meeting of the British Retail Consortium.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The BRC meeting paved the way for 50 years of television adverts suggesting that children are not completely fucking ghastly.

“The cute toddlers in disposal nappy adverts are animatronic dummies while the cheeky scamps in washing powder adverts have been hypnotised using magnets.”

Professor Brubaker said the £150,000 cost made gas and electricity prices seem like an act of charity and called for the immediate withdrawal of child benefit insisting it was like giving people cigarette vouchers.

He added: “Like all parents, I look at my children and think ‘I could have had a boat’.”

Father of three, Martin Bishop, said: “It looked nice in the hospital so we brought it home. It’s now 14 and my house remains a hellish vortex of noise and faeces.”

A spokesman for the British Retail Consortium said: “You’re clearly very angry. You should go to the shops.”