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Ariana Grande to post rolling coverage of her break from public life

SINGER and actress Ariana Grande has announced the next stage of her stardom journey will be a step back from public life, livestreamed to her 363 million Instagram followers. 

The content plan, titled Break From Endless, Ongoing Scrutiny 2026, will see Ariana Grande post daily behind-the-scenes videos detailing her withdrawal from the glare of publicity and the album she is recording about it.

A spokesman said: “When you’re as big, non-physically, as Ariana you can’t just vanish. The Arianators would run amok. No social media feed would be safe.

“So she’s stepping back as an event, immediately after her album Petal was released which can be scoured for clues as to why. And there’s going to be 24-7 content including photos, short-form video and livestreams detailing every single step.

“The online store is launching themed ‘Where’s Ari?’ merch, some of which is completely blank to reflect her absence. It’s expensive, but it’s tell me you’re missing Ariana without telling me you’re missing Ariana, you know? For the stans.

“It’ll all culminate in her 2028 comeback arena tour, Don’t Look At Me, I’m Shy. To win tickets just write some of her most personal details in the comments.”

Fan Grace Wood-Morris, aged 25, said: “I like to think she’s taking 18 months off to really pork up. Then panto.”

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Shortages of what foods exactly? asks Britain

THE UK is demanding farmers detail exactly which foods might run low before panicking, because it might just be healthy stuff. 

Warnings of food shortages are being investigated by a sceptical public because first, you can’t trust farmers and second, it may well only be beetroot or lettuce or other easily-discarded salad products.

Nathan Muir of Colchester said: “They say there’s a shortage of cereal crops. Well I have toast for breakfast so that doesn’t bother me.

“Losing tomatoes would be a blow for the nation’s pizza toppings, but my mate Logan worked at Dominos and said it’s all straight from frozen anyway. Plus there’s always ketchup. Other than that, I’m struggling to name a vegetable I’d miss.

“Potatoes obviously, but they grow in winter so they’re unaffected. Plus I’d expect the government, post-Covid, to have prioritised rebuilding Britain’s crisp mountain so we’ve got at least two years stockpiled.

“We’ve heard all this shite from farmers before. If it’s not too sunny it’s raining too much, or too mild, or it’s not that warm but unpleasantly clammy if you’re in a cardigan which is catastrophic for crops. It’s bollocks they trot out when they want tax breaks and subsidies.”

Farmer Norman Steele said: “No, this isn’t like that, this time it’s really serious and we haven’t had to harvest this early since 1891. So we will need subsidies.”

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