Bake Off winner to be taken to underground lair of Mr Kipling

THE winner of The Great British Bake Off will leave humanity to work in Mr Kipling’s underground cake catacombs.

Tonight’s winner will be handed over to Kipling’s bald, dwarfish minions in the traditional ceremony which follows the end of the series.

The judges will solemnly shave the winner’s head and kiss them on both eyelids, before handing them over to Kipling’s homunculi who will load them into a sedan chair and carry them into a cave.

Little is known about life in Kipling’s subterranean world, but it is understood that his baking factory is a huge cavern where Kipling’s giant fondant-encased brain hovers above a cake production line staffed by a mix of human bakers and troglodytes.

Mr Kipling said: “For the Bake Off Champion, this is a homecoming. Here there is only cake.”

A spokesman said: “Any who enters the Bake Off understands that this is their ultimate reward. Once they have embarked on the spiritual path of baking, high quality confectionary becomes the only absolute.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After the ‘racist vans’ are withdrawn from circulation by the government, you end up buying a lorry with some pretty trenchant views on homosexuality.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Friday, you’re found not guilty after it emerges the victim spent fifteen seconds rustling around in a noisy plastic sweet bag.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you lose an Ebay auction for the playing cards they used on Play Your Cards Right. No big deal.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Make watching Grand Designs more interesting by guessing how soon after the revolution the owners would be lined up against their reclaimed-brick walls and shot.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Recreate the experience of football on BT Sport with Michael Owen’s commentary by watching the match in a hotel bar with a regional sales rep called Keith.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
An uncomfortable evening tomorrow spent contemplating the unknowable, eternal void of the universe as you accidentally look into Britney Spears’ eyes.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It’s a shame Ender’s Game wasn’t made ten years ago because the title role would have gone to Jamie Bell and the posters would have been far more entertaining.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Ancient Sumerian. There’s no need for that kind of language.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Another wasted week Prime Minister’s Question Time as nobody asked him “Do you want some, you glossy-faced twat?”

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After nodding patiently while your friend tells you her teetotalism has made her healthier, happier and richer, you ask when was the last time she sang Tom Waits songs at the top of her voice at three in the morning.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You explain away your massive stash of sweets by claiming you’re simply prepared for several decades’ worth of Halloweens.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your life is about to go into standby mode. Please do something vaguely interesting to continue.