Facebook to allow beheading videos if accompanied by inspirational quote

FACEBOOK has cleared users to post videos of decapitations if captioned by witty or inspirational quotes.

The social media giant has approved videos of murder and fatal accidents if used to illustrate how much the person sharing them loves their kids, likes alcohol or doesn’t tolerate shit from the opposite sex.

Facebook user Joanna Kramer said: “I couldn’t find my eyeliner this morning, so legally I was perfectly within my rights to post a video of a motorway pile-up captioned THIS IS MY FACE!

“Because how else would people know?

“Then my boyfriend annoyed me so I posted a decapitation video with the message ‘If they don’t respect you..? CUT them out of your life!’

“And I’m sorry, but anyone who criticises me for posting a video of the Twin Towers collapsing captioned ‘Ellie Goulding on the X-Factor’ clearly didn’t see her performance.”

Sales administrator Stephen Malley said: “Beheading videos depend on the context. For example, I posted it captioned ‘TREAT YA GIRL RIGHT… OR SHE CUTS OFF THE HEAD!!!!!’ which is funny and therefore fine.”

Social media expert Joseph Turner said: “There’s a fine line between posting a picture of a cat in a turban captioned I CAN HAZ JIHAD? and posting an actual video of an actual person being killed.

“Actually, no there isn’t. There’s a massive fat line between those things, and the video is on the side of it labelled ‘Never ever do this you sick bastard’.”

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Workers advised to get a sickie in about now

WORKERS have been advised to squeeze in some fraudulent sick leave in before the end of October.

The Institute for Studies recommends either one day this week or two next week, leaving time for another bout of fake illness in December in which to do your Christmas shopping.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The sickie message is ‘remember, remember – not November’. Taking sick days too close together may cause some HR person’s software to flash up your name in block capitals with a question mark next to it.

“A lot of skiving people focus on the execution – gravelly voice, lurid descriptions of stomach complaints – but this is all largely irrelevant. It’s timing that matters.

“When you take a sick day, everyone in the office knows you’re faking, but this only triggers disciplinary action when ‘illnesses’ happen in quick succession.”

He continued:”That said, it doesn’t hurt to send a couple of emails in the late afternoon to show you’re bravely struggling on.

“And if you’ve got an actual cold then a morning in the office is money in the bank.

“Once everyone’s seen you sniffling and sneezing you can go home and stretch out that credit for three days of absence.”

HR consultant Carolyn Ryan responded: “Fraudulent sick days cost British businesses millions every year.

“Anyone planning to take one should instead get into management where you can get free days off by claiming you’ve got meetings in regional offices.”