New browser knows when you're drunk

A NEW internet browser automatically prevents users doing stupid things due to alcohol.

Google Sober is designed to block drink-related online mishaps ranging from extravagant purchases to leaving creepy ‘flirtatious’ messages on Facebook.

Programmer Stephen Malley said: ““I got the idea after a pair of £800 rollerblades and a rare lizard in a tank mysteriously arrived on my doorstep.

“I had no recollection of ordering this shit and knew it must be the spoils of a post-pub Ebay session.

“”Our software detects drunken behaviour and takes preventative action, creating a fake, offline version of any page so that the user can harmlessly make idiotic purchases.

“”The next morning, the panicked individual receives a message saying: ‘‘It’s fine. Drink some water and go back to bed.’’”

Beta tester Tom Logan said: “”Last night I sent an email to my ex-girlfriend explaining how much I loved her, but it came out a bit pornographic and threatening, and for some reason I copied it to my entire contacts list.

“Then, spiralling into despair, I booked an escort called Katya and posted jokes on forums that seemed ‘edgy’ at the time but are in fact racist.”

“”Fortunately Google Sober blocked it, so I was delighted when I realised the only bad thing I did last night was shitting the bed.””

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Middle-aged people obsessed with leather phone cases

BRITAIN’S middle-aged people simply cannot get enough of leather smartphone cases.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that 98% of Britons aged over 40 believe portable technology must be encased in leather.

51-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “Having just got my first iPhone, I’m slightly more protective of it that I was of my firstborn.

“I am especially paranoid about the screen which is why I must keep it encased in a russet-coloured leather sheath.

“My son says it looks like a medieval condom but he’s young and an idiot.”

Retired headmistress Margaret Gerving said: “The best thing about my leather phone case is that whenever I want to make a call all I just unbutton it, then a long leather flap drops down giving me full access.

“It’s practical and it looks cool. Although I wish manufacturers would make them in more shades of burgundy.”

She added: “I’ve got my tablet computer in a matching leather case. Like all my menopausal female friends, I am weirdly fixated on tablet computers.”