Be tipsy throughout: Strategies for getting through the next five days

EVERYTHING is weird and it’s only going to get worse for the next few days. Here’s how to cope.

Be a bit tipsy the whole time

Approach it as you do Christmas, by maintaining a steady level of slight drunkenness throughout. Crack open a beer at 11am, or enjoy a few glasses of Buck’s Fizz with breakfast. Don’t drink so much you pass out though, as you don’t want to have to face any of this madness with a hangover.

Have that social media detox you’ve been droning on about

You’ve been talking about this since you joined Facebook in 2007, so maybe now is the time to shut your laptop and open a book? Sadly you’ll last 37 minutes before cracking and joining a vicious Twitter spat about whether Meghan Markle is holding Prince Harry’s hand too much or too little.

Experiment with psychedelic drugs

Have you always fancied trying magic mushrooms or LSD? This week is already going to be pretty surreal, so why not up the ante by getting off your face on psychedelics? Are you hallucinating Paddington Bear in the queue of mourners, or has some nutter made their dangerously dehydrated child wear a bear costume for five days? Who knows? 

Get really into it

Rather than trying to avoid the pageantry, go the other way and immerse yourself in it. Travel to London and The Queue, or make a life-sized model of the Queen out of cheese and put it in your front garden. No one will judge you, because everyone else has lost their mind as well.

Become feral

If you really can’t take it and need to escape the incessant mourning on TV, radio, the internet and in the newspapers, simply leave your house and go and live in the woods. You can forage for berries, shit in holes and commune with foxes. It will easily be the most enjoyable way to get through this nightmare.

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Center Parcs adds backtracking fee to the bill

CENTER Parcs is to charge guests a backtracking fee after deciding it will stay open on Monday, it has been confirmed.

Having U-turned on the decision to boot guests into the woods on the day of the Queen’s funeral as a mark of respect, Center Parcs will invoice them accordingly to the tune of hundreds of pounds.

A Center Parcs spokesperson said: “After listening to the overwhelmingly negative feedback on social media we’ve begrudgingly decided to do the right thing, while rinsing middle class holidaymakers for all they are worth in the process.

“People are bound to kick off about this decision too, even though it’s consistent with the rest of our business model. We already charge an extortionate amount for food and activities which should really be included when you’re paying that much, so we’re not about to start handing out freebies now.

“Anyway, it’s not even a backtracking fee, really. It’s a ‘Queen’s Funeral Opening Hours’ fee. You wouldn’t want to dishonour Her Majesty by being stingy, would you? Didn’t think so.”

Guest Donna Sherridan said: “Ok, I can swallow that. But do I really have to spend £240 on Center Parcs-branded respectful black costumes for when the Subtropical Swimming Paradise is open?”