Great white sharks, and other things less dangerous than a hungry woman

THEY say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a woman in need of a good meal is even worse. Here are some things that are considerably nicer to encounter.

Great white sharks

The apex predators of the ocean have got nothing on a woman who has been forced to skip lunch during her working day. The way she’ll snarl at you in meetings makes the shark from Jaws look positively cute and cuddly.

Nuclear bombs

These powerful instruments of devastation can cause fallout far and wide, but so too can a ravenous woman who has just discovered someone ate the snack she was saving for later. No friend, co-worker, or anyone in a nearby radius is safe from her wrath.


Want to know the most venomous creature in the animal kingdom? Spoiler alert: it’s not the humble snake, but instead a woman whose hangover brunch is taking a bit too long to come out of the kitchen. The words she’ll spit at the waitress are truly deadly.

A tank

If you’re ever stolen a chip from a woman not yet fully sated, then you’ll know you’d rather be chased down the street by literally anything else. A military grade vehicle lumbering after you isn’t nearly as scary as a mum with the munchies.


It may be a ferocious lone hunter, but the tiger would never reconsider a relationship just because you got a takeaway without her. Being devoured by a big cat is less emotionally taxing than being pointedly ignored until the emergency Deliveroo arrives.

Wrecking balls

The mighty swing of this demolition tool still has less force than that of a starving woman pushing through the crowds to claim her late night McDonalds. Stand between a woman and her nuggets and you could be pulverised into dust.

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Am I legally obligated to watch the funeral? Your bank holiday questions answered

NEXT Monday is a bank holiday, but are Britons obliged to spend it watching the funeral? Your questions answered:

Do I have to watch the funeral?


Do I have to watch all the lead-up to the funeral?

Her Majesty will have two funerals as she had two birthdays. The first is at Westminster Abbey at 11am, and the second at St George’s Chapel in the afternoon. Anyone given the day off is required to watch both, the procession between and at least 2.5 hours of filler content.

Can I break for lunch?

Luncheon is to be taken in front of the television. Whatever you eat must taste like ashes.

I was thinking I could go on a day out with the family?

All tourist attractions are closed. All shops are closed. All Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty will offer no sucor to your grief-stricken eyes. All major roads will be closed and police roadblocks will be set up on minor roads. Stay home.

What if I have to attend a wedding on the day of the funeral?

When the vicar says ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’, say ‘this wedding should not be taking place and if it does take place, it will end in divorce within four years. All guests should leave. The vicar should defrock himself.’

What if I have to attend a funeral on the day of the funeral?

So selfish a death should not be commemorated. Nobody should attend and the body should be sent to an anonymous pauper’s grave.

Is it possible to tell if I’m watching the funeral?

You have a smart television. Your internet service provider records exactly what you are streaming at any given time. Any number of devices in your home have cameras which can be remotely activated. Watch the funeral.

There aren’t any penalties for not watching the funeral, are there?

None which have been declared.

So there are penalties for not watching the funeral?

At a time of national crisis, such as the death of a beloved 96-year-old monarch, the rule of law is suspended and authorities are free to take whatever action they see it without notification. You have never heard of anyone being imprisoned or exiled for failing to respect the ruler’s funeral. Take a moment to reflect on why this might be so.

I now plan to watch the funeral.

Official advice is to keep toilet breaks below 90 seconds.